Fooly Falls
by lightyearpig
Summary: When a mysterious girl hits Dipper over the head with her guitar, things stranger than usual begin happening in the small Oregon town.
1. The Vespa Woman

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter One: The Vespa Woman**

(The author of this story does not own Gravity Falls or FLCL. Now on with the show!)

* * *

It was a sunny summer day in the small Oregon town of Gravity Falls. The birds were chirping, the wind was rustling and the gnomes were puking rainbows. The town was home to many oddities ranging from Gremoblins. Unicorns and the like. These seem pretty unusual but for a select few this was very normal. Nothing normal ever happens around these parts, and it's going to get weirder from here.

"The tomb of Diamond Brandy has to be around somewhere." a boy said as he, a girl and their pig wandered around the forest. These two were Dipper and Mabel Pines, a pair of twins shipped off to Gravity Falls for the summer by their parents. Dipper, clad in his trademark vest and pine tree hat, had his nose stuck in a worn-looking book with a six-fingered hand bearing the number 3 on it.

"My legs are getting tired, right Waddles?" Mabel replied speaking to her pet pig. Mabel was obviously the more exuberant of the two with her big brace-covered smile and colorful sweater, which had a skull-and-crossbones wearing a straw hat on it. Waddles could only oink in agreement. "C'mon Mabel," Dipper said. "can't you be a bit serious about this? This guy was a powerful wizard who could stop time! I even have a big line for when we find it." The two continued on their journey, unbeknownst to them someone was watching from the flora behind them.

* * *

"Alright, we seem to be getting close. I can already feel the anticipation!" Dipper squealed to himself, feeling they're almost there. After rustling through some bushes, they found it. A large statue of a crucified man towering over them. At the base was emblazoned "Here lies Diego 'Diamond' Brandy."

The two were astonished at the sight before them. "They thought some hotshot treasure hunter would find his grave," Dipper began. "BUT IT WAS ME DIPPER!" he bellowed out for all to hear. "And Mabel!" his twin added.

"Think I should get a picture?" Mabel asked. The ecstatic boy was quick to comply as he posed in front of the statue. As Mabel took the picture, the same person from before watched them, positioning her fingers like a photographer before revving up her vehicle. "Here goes nothing."

"Wait til Grunkle Ford hears about this." Mabel said as she stuck the photo in her scrapbook. The two high-five only to hear something. "Do you smell gasoline and sheer insanity?" the girl asked as they looked around. Suddenly, a woman riding a Vespa scooter popped out of nowhere! "ALRIGHT," she screamed as she sped towards the twins. "LUUUUUUNCH-TIIIIIIME!"

"Mabel watch out!" Dipper shouted as he pushed his sister out of the way, only to fall victim to being run over by her scooter. As he rocketed towards the nearest tree, Mabel could only watch as his brother was assaulted by the stranger.

"Oh my gosh, are you alright DP?!" Mabel asked worriedly. "Wait here, I'll go get someone." As she raced off, the woman looked over Dipper. "Oh sweet Lord he's dead! I can't believe I killed a child!" she cried as the sweater girl turned around. "He's already dead, just like that, BANG!" the woman continued screaming. "Unless..." she whipped off her helmet, revealing her pink flare-cut hair and yellow eyes. "Come back to life you little runt!" And that's when she planted a big kiss on his lips.

Mabel and Waddles could watch in confusion, though this was sort of average given all that they've seen this summer. "Good, our Taro-kun is back!" the woman proclaimed as Dipper regained consciousness. "Wait, Taro-what now?" Mabel asked. The stranger turned to her with a mean look on her face. "Zip it twerp and let me do my stuff!" she then picked up her Rickenbacker. "ROUND TWO!" beating him with the guitar woke Dipper up to find that not only was his sister was still okay, but also a woman with pink hair & yellow eyes wearing a bright red coat, black pants and white boots & scarf standing before him, wielding the same Rickenbacker and a yellow Vespa scooter behind her.

"Who are you, what did you do to me?!" the panicked child asked. "Relax, now give it to me." she replied as she grabbed him by the leg and started shaking him, which gave view to a large bruise where his namesake birthmark would be. "C'mon, where is it?" she wondered as she kept shaking the kid. "Well, guess I should hit him again." she prepared to hit him only to be stopped by Mabel. "Hey, quit hurting my brother lady!" the little girl shouted. "What did you do to him anyway?" she asked. "CPR, what else?" the maiden replied. "Now gimme!"

Mabel was quick to defend her brother. "No, you're a big dumb meanie face that hurt my brother!" Just then, Dipper woke up again. "Oh geez, what happened?" he asked woozily. "This crazy lady ran you over and beat you up." Mabel answered. "Let's get back to the Mystery Shack." As the two walked away, the Vespa woman could only watch as the girl hissed at her. "Yeesh, that kid's got issues." But what nobody noticed was that the statue was started to crack and let out an evil laugh.

* * *

"Hold it together Dips, I know you can!" Mabel said as the twins made their way to a shabby hovel with a big sign saying "MYSTERY _HACK" on it, with the S fallen off. This was the tourist trap of their great uncle Stan Pines. "AaAaAaAa," Dipper wailed. "I'm the child of a time when the west was young!"

His twin could only groan as the two walked inside where they were greeted by their handyman friend Soos. "Heya dudes, what happened?" the fat repairman asked in his usual jolly voice. "Dipper and I were searching for some dead guy and then this crazy lady started beating him with a guitar!" Mabel then gestured at the bruise which has now grown into an odd-looking horn.

"Uh oh, that doesn't look good." Soos said as he examined the horn. Just then Grunkle Stan walked in wearing his casual clothes and fez. "I heard Soos say something doesn't look good." Stan said. "Who're we talkin' about here."

The old conman took a gander at his great nephew as the boy regained some form of thinking. "Basically Mabel and I were searching for the tomb of Diamond Brandy and I was assaulted by some crazy lady, which is how I got this." Dipper said pointing to his horn. Stan, trying to fix the problem the easy way, simply pushed it back into his forehead. It popped out. He pushed it in again, it popped out and so forth.

"Might as well live with it kid. Now come on, almost time for dinner." Stan said as he walked into the back room of the shack. "And Soos, get him some bandages."

* * *

"This day can't get any crazier." Dipper, now with a bandage patch on his head, said as he and Mabel washed their hands for dinner. "Well, crazy by our standards anyway." Mabel, being one to brighten someone's day, tried to cheer him up as they walked downstairs. "Chin up bro-bro, at least we know we'll never see that crazy girl ever again." However, fate was there to prove her wrong when they found the woman sitting at the dinner table with Stan and his brother Ford, the author of Dipper's journal.

"AUGH, IT'S THE CRAZY GUITAR LADY!" Dipper cried out as his world literally turned black and white like a manga panel. "You can have our grunkles, just please don't hurt my brother!" Mabel added. "What's going on with you two?! Don't you have any respect for our houseguest?" Stan said, scolding the two. "Just sit down before your food gets cold." Ford said. "By the way, what's going on here? I've been across the multiverse for thirty years but this takes the cake!"

The Vespa woman greeted the twins with an innocent hello which neither of the two bought. "By the way, she's going to be staying over for a while, so I gave her a part time job here. Her name's Hakama Kalahari or something like that." Stan announced. "Haruko Haruhara, thank you very much." the woman, now named Haruko corrected.

"Why are you so won over by her? She nearly killed me!" Dipper shouted. "I like her style. She's really cool at being a fool! Fooly Cooly!" Stan excitedly replied, to which Mabel said "You made that up on the spot, didn't you?" Stan was quick to answer her. "Yes I did sweetie. Basically she's going to be our maid!" He then turned to Haruko.

"So how do ya like Fooly Cooly?" Haruko could only let out a confused "huh," "You know like those crazy anime Soos loves where grown men pant and sweat and fire giant lasers by screaming at the top of their lungs?" She became more puzzled. "Not Kool-Aid I mean like there are people who are fools and those who are cool. You get what I mean?"

Ford became confused as well. "Stanley, can you please start making sense? Even I don't know what Fooly Cooly means!" Dipper became more agitated while Mabel started to giggle. "Did you even listen Sixer? She's cool and we're all fools!" Stan started laughing like a maniac as he continued on. Mabel began to laugh as well. "So anyway Haruko, how did you meet our great nephew and niece?" Ford asked. "Oh I was just around the neighborhood, taking in the scenery, then I found these two fooling around-" Stan interrupted shouting "What'd I tell you, Fooly Cooly!" Haruko continued on. "Anyway, so I beat up the boy and brought him back to life with a little mouth to mouth." She then grabbed Dipper's face and tried to kiss him like before, but this is where he snapped.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Dipper shouted, which ended the zany conversation and restored color to normal. "I'm going upstairs." And he walked away. "Dipper, wait!" Mabel called, but he didn't want to listen. "Just let him go kid. Let him go." Haruko said putting a hand on Mabel's shoulder. "It's a shame too, I made some fantastic potato salad." Ford said. "Now what'll I do with this serving?"

After a moment of silence, Stan tore the plate out of Ford's hands and threw it within Waddles' line of sight. The pig could only gobble it up happily. Ford knew how to please a fat little pig tummy.

* * *

While Dipper took a shower to wash off the past stressful few hours, Haruko followed him upstairs and began to skim through his journal. "What kinda kid writes about Lovecraftian geometry and other spookums in his diary? Wouldn't it make more sense to write about how hot your girlfriend is or how your family doesn't understand you?"

Later, Dipper walked into the attic that he and Mabel called their bedroom for the summer to find Haruko stumbling on the floor, trying to hide the fact she read his journal and getting up to strum on her Rickenbacker. "Haven't you heard of asking before peeking through someone's stuff?" Haruko kept playing her guitar pretending not to listen to him. "What do you want with me and Mabel?" Haruko finally looked up at him. "I'm just a wandering housekeeper." She said, but the boy knew she was lying. "C'mon, tell me the truth." he said. "Alright fine, I'm an alien searching for something." He became curious as always. "What would that be?" he asked. "I don't want to spoil anything for you or the readers, but it involves your bandage."

Dipper couldn't help but feel creeped out. "Why?" Haruko kept on talking. "Because I need it. What's under it?" Dipper felt more spooked. "I'm not telling!" Haruko was more determined to find out. "Tell me!" The kid was adamant about his bandage. "No way!"

"What're you hiding under there?"

"Why don't you know? You hit me in the head!"

"I promise I won't tell anyone else."

"No!"

"Let's see it!"

As Haruko reached for Dipper's bandage, the boy fought back. "Why are you pestering me?!" After a moment of silence, Haruko looked up at him pouting. "Because I need you Taro-kun." Suddenly they were interrupted by Mabel walking in with Waddles in her arms. "Hey I heard some fighting, what's going on here?" she asked. "Oh yeah, Haruko and I were uh, just getting acquainted." Dipper replied laughing nervously, then he turned to Haruko.

"Okay, this is my bed and this is Mabel's bed. You might wanna sleep on the floor." He said as he got into his bed, only to find the Vespa woman spooning him much to his disgust. "Y'know what, I'm sleeping with Ford."

"Ooh, a nerd sleepover." Haruko said. "Maybe you can exchange math problems and write each others hypotheses." Mabel giggled saying "This girl knows what's what." Dipper could only groan as the two girls laughed.

* * *

Dipper found his great uncle Stanford in his room sleeping soundly, his boots and trenchcoat discarded. After suffering Bill Cipher's atrocities, traveling the multiverse and dealing with family trauma after finally returning home, he might've deserved one.

Dipper attempted to wake up the elderly scientist by poking his bulbous nose, but to no avail. "R...rhino, rhino feeder." Ford blearily said as he awakened. He grabbed at something round and fluffy until he put on his glasses to find Dipper by his side. "Dipper?" he asked. "What are you doing here?" The lad looked down glumly and sat down by his side. "Haruko." he answered. "Yeah she can be a thorn on people's sides," Ford said. "But she's actually a nice girl. Why she and Mabel became gal pals while you were upstairs."

"That's why I came here, because Haruko wanted to know about-" Dipper said before his senior interrupted him. "Your horn."

"How do you know?" the boy asked. "Soos told me. He said you were looking for the tomb of Diamond Brandy when you met her." the old man said. "Now come on, show me the horn."

And so, Dipper reluctantly peeled off his bandage and showed his horn to to Ford. "Hm, this looks pretty familiar I'll say." the genius said tapping at it, unintentionally hurting his great nephew. "Well, I think we should talk about it tomorrow. Goodnight Dipper." Ford said as he closed his eyes. "Goodnight Grunkle Ford." Dipper replied as he fell asleep in his arms. Unbeknownst to both of them, Dipper's bandage started blinking.

Hey guys, Mabel here. Boy was that crazy! I mean we went from finding where some dead guy was buried to my brother nearly dying himself.

Please don't talk about it Mabel, I've already had enough as is.

Anyway, see you next time for chapter 2 of Fooly Falls! And yes there will be fanservice! Whoops, wrong series.

And don't forget to read and review. Now can someone call an ambulance?


	2. Canti

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter 2: Canti**

* * *

The next morning after breakfast, Dipper decided to go to the hospital to have his horn checked. As he walked in, he noticed something off before brushing it aside. "My name is Dipper Pines and I'd like to see someone who knows about this." he told the receptionist as he peeled off his bandage to show off his horn. "Sixth floor, room 18." the receptionist replied. Dipper got on the elevator, walked to the waiting room and took a seat. Okay we're wasting time here, let's get to the real action.

"The doctor will see you now." a nurse said to Dipper as she opened the door. Much to the boy's puzzlement, she had pink hair. But that didn't matter, he needed his horn checked out. As Dipper walked down the hall to Room 18, he started getting a feeling of dread until he opened the door. It was pitch black and he couldn't see a thing. "Hello, anyone?" he asked. Suddenly he heard a gunshot and was hit with a tranquilizer dart.

* * *

When Dipper woke up, he was greeted with an incredibly bright light hovering over him. He was tied with tight leather belts to a cold metal operating table with a cart full of cutting tools near him. "Ah, you're finally awake." a voice called out in a strange accent. The boy was now more perplexed as a womanly figure stepped out of the darkness, clad in a basic but really form-fitting nurse's uniform but her most noticeable feature was her pink hair and yellow eyes.

"Haruko?!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Haruko could only groan as she ripped off her mask in frustration. "Dammit, why does this disguise never work?" she questioned, and then she turned to her 'patient'. "Anyway," she started. "I want to know what's under that bandage of yours? Embarrassing wart, scar, hole in your brain?" She walked to the cart and pulled out a cartoonishly large chainsaw with one hand as she ripped off Dipper's bandage with the other, exposing his horn.

"Just as I thought." she stated proudly as she revved up the chainsaw. "Are you insane?!" Dipper questioned as he started to sweat. "You're not even a licensed doctor!" Haruko replied by smirking and saying "Then try taking a look at this!" She pulled back a curtain to reveal Gravity Falls' resident unlucky news reporter Toby Determined looking quite cheerful. "She removed my ugly birthmark!" He said as he pulled up his shirt, revealing so much body horror where his birthmark once was that this story would be re-rated M.

"Now close your eyes and stay calm Taro-kun! I'm gonna make you feel all better!" Haruko shouted as she swung the chainsaw at Dipper's forehead as she laughed like a maniac, accompanied by the boy screaming in terror.

* * *

Dipper woke up in a cold sweat, still in Ford's room after last night. Realizing it was just a nightmare, he turned to wake up his great uncle only to find him gone. "Bad dream Dipper?" the old man asked, leaning against the doorway with a coffee cup in hand. "Yep," the boy replied getting up. "I was at the doctor and Haruko was there, she wanted to remove my horn and for some reason Toby Determined was there."

Ford patiently listened taking a sip of joe. "Funny, I had a similar dream except it involved a raging alcoholic and his grandson." he said taking another sip. Dipper felt utterly confounded by Ford's comment. Where was he in the multiverse anyway?

"Now come on kid, Haruko's making breakfast." Ford finished. "Or at least she would be if she got off her butt and did something around the house." Grumbling to himself, the elder walked to the living room with the boy following behind, only to stop after noticing that a bulge has grown under his bandage.

* * *

Haruko and Mabel were sitting in the living room watching Ducktective eating some Penta-Grahams cereal. Haruko was now wearing a pink sweater with a yellow star on it and still digging through Dipper's journal. "Seriously, what kind of garbage is this?" she asked. "I mean, leprecorn? This seems like something out of Stan's museum." As she saw Dipper & Ford walk in, she hastily put it away. "Morning Haruko." Ford greeted sitting down on the floor. "Mornin' Wrinkles." Haruko replied. "Morning Dipper," Mabel said turning to her brother as he sat down. "Want some Penta-Grahams?" She scooped out a handful of the cereal offering it to him. "Not right now Mabel."

Then Stan walked in wearing his suit, adjusting his fez and holding an 8-ball tipped cane. "Hey kids, better get ready." he said. "Shack opens in an hour."

"Be with you in a bit Grunkle Stan." Dipper replied. "Just gotta find my journal." He started looking around the living room for his book but to no avail. "I could've sworn I left it in the attic." the prepubescent detective mumbled to himself. That was when he realized Haruko might've had it. "Hey Haruko, do you have my journal?" he asked. "Why would I know about your stupid book?" She scoffed, only for him to find it hiding under the chair. "Okay I confess," she shouted as she pulled it out from underneath. "I know there's stuff you don't want me to know and that I should respect your privacy, but it was soooo juicy!"

Dipper tried and failed to take it out of her hands. "Give it back!" he demanded. "Never, it's just too good!" she shouted. The two started tugging the book back & forth as Mabel and Ford watched. Stan on the other hand was more than happy to watch. "Fight fight fight!" he exclaimed.

Suddenly Dipper's bandage started to blink again until his horn burst out from under it and something started to grow! The boy could only scream in pain as the horn began to grow larger. "Calm down Dipper!" Ford said trying to help him. "How can I stay calm when this is popping out of my forehead?!" Then a metal bracelet on Haruko's wrist started beeping. "Uh-oh." she said.

Mabel started having a weird feeling in her stomach as she fell to the floor. "Not you too Mabel!" Ford shouted. Just then, the horn grew into a giant red hand. "Whoa mama," Stan exclaimed as he pulled out a camera and started taking a few pictures. "A giant hand growing out of an innocent child's head! I can sell this!" The hand turned into a lanky red robot with what looks to be a television set for a head as it climbed its way out of the horn. The robot turned to Dipper, grabbed him by the arm and prepared to rocket out the door before being stopped by a guitar to the head. The robot then turned a shade of green and all was quiet.

"Are you alright bro-bro?" Mabel asked as she rushed to her brother's side. "I'm alright sis, just a little lightheaded." Dipper answered woozily as he stumbled on his feet. "That one's a keeper." Stan added as he gingerly stuck the photos he took into his pocket. And so, the day went on as normal.

* * *

"And that's why I have to wear this old army helmet under my hat." Dipper had finished telling the story of how they met Haruko & the origin of his horn to his green-clad redhaired teenage friend & Mystery Shack cashier Wendy Corduroy, who was currently focused on a crossword puzzle. "So is that why she's taking X-rays of your head?" his friend asked as she gestured at Haruko, now wearing the nurse uniform from his nightmare looking at X-ray scans of the inside of his head.

"Funny, can't see a brain anywhere. Did you lose it?" the Vespa Woman asked as she examined the pictures. "You started it Haruko!" the boy accusingly groaned. "Hey, don't go blamin' me kid, you brought this upon yourself!" Haruko replied as she turned her head to Dipper. "By the way, there's something new there." As it turns out, there was an even bigger horn sticking out the back of his head. "It's weirder than I'm used to." Dipper said. "And thanks to you, there's a robot living with us now." He then pointed to the robot which Stan made his newest exhibit and choreboy. "All because I was run over by your bike!" Haruko paid no mind to him as she started spinning on the globe. "And can you return that uniform? People might think you're a real nurse."

Haruko still didn't pay attention to him as she stopped spinning and turned to the readers. "Ah! Hey there, Haruko Haruhara here! Age 19, currently working as a housekeeper at the Mystery Shack!" Dipper and Wendy became very confused at what she was doing right now. "She's older than that I think." Dipper added. "Who's she talking to?" Wendy asked. "I think it's best we don't question it." he replied. "But I have a true identity and it's..."

A drumroll started playing as the lights started flickering and she stripped out of her nurse uniform and into a completely different outfit reminiscent to that of an angel. "FIRST CLASS SPACE PATROL OFFICER!" she proudly announced brandishing her Rickenbacker, with the robot waving his hands at her in a ladies-and-gentlemen way. "No way, is that a Rickenbacker?" Wendy gleefully asked. "Wait a minute, Rickenbacker!" She then turned to her crossword. "Nailing this."

"Okay, first things first." Dipper said. "Of all the people in the world, why come to us here specifically?" He then started tapping on the robot's screen. "Like I said last night kid, I'm looking for something!" Haruko answered. "What even is this robot and how can it take X-rays?" The boy asked. "It's a Medical Machine kid." the Vespa Woman replied. "They make 'em here." The robot then showed a picture of a large building that looked like a clothes iron. "Why did it come out of my head?" he followed up. "I don't know, let's find out!" Haruko then started poking at Dipper's head with her guitar as Wendy continued on her with her crossword puzzle.

* * *

Later that day, Stan was talking to the robot while a moving truck was parked nearby. "Alright Cambot, now listen closely." Stan said. "I need you to load all this illegal sugar into that truck which will take it across the state border to a seedy alley in Walla Walla, Washington." The robot was quick to comply as he started picked up crates of the sugar and carrying it to the back of the truck while Dipper & Mabel walked outside after hearing the conversation.

"Stan, are you using TV-bot for your law-breaking stuff?" Mabel asked. "What, no I'm not prickly muffin!" the grunkle objected. "It's all for a good cause. Besides, those back-alley entrepreneurs will pay me handsomely!" He then scooped up a handful of sugar from the crate and showed it to the twins. "Want a taste?" Mabel was quite curious but Dipper was not okay with it. "Don't do it Stan." he bluntly said. "We don't Mabel near anymore powdered candy. I can still smell Smile Dip on her."

As the robot continued packing, random passerbys started disappearing left and right. "So what's Uncle Ben doing now?" Haruko asked, suddenly appearing sitting cross-legged on the porch. "He's illegally transporting sugar." Dipper replied. "So the nerd told me this place is like a weirdness magnet. Is that true." She added getting up, pulling out a pair of binoculars and started looking around. "Oh yeah, totally." Dipper answered. "Like on out first day of summer here we had a bunch of gnomes chase us!"

"And my first kiss was with a merman that I saved from the local pool!" Mabel swooned remembering her time with Mermando. "Hey wait a minute, shouldn't you be taking care of the Shack?" Dipper asked. "The robot is doing more work than you!"

"Hey lay off kids, everybody deserves a break." Stan said. Then almost as if on cue, the robot finished packing the truck and closed the back. "That automaton of yours is a great helpin' hand Pines." the driver said in a thick Scottish accent as he hopped out the front seat. He appeared to be a tall plump fellow with orange hair in a ponytail, a prominent bald spot, rotten teeth and a sweat covered white shirt saying "I was born this way through Celtic magic!"

"The pleasure's all mine Scott." Stan thanked Scott as he shook his hand. "I can expect big bucks headed your way, probably around eight to nine thousand." Scott said as he got back in the driver's seat and started the truck. "I'll be seein' ya in a week lad!" Stan started waving as the vehicle drove away. "Say hi to the family!"

* * *

Ford was sitting in his lab analyzing a blob of space held in a snowglobe-like container when Waddles walked up behind him and oinked. "Oh Waddles, fancy seeing you here." the scientist said as he picked up the little swine. "But how did you get in anyway?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Haruko and Waddles followed me." Dipper said walking in. He picked up the pig and set him aside as he talked with the old man. "I mean, I've been warming up to her but something seems off." Ford, given his experiences with the color yellow, was a bit put off by this. "You think she might have connections to Bill?" he asked.

"I-I don't know." the kid replied as he began to pace around. "I mean she's kind of insane but she'd never hurt herself for the sake of a few laughs." Waddles meanwhile continued to trot around until he bumped into Ford's desk, causing the bubble to fall over. "OH SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!" the two geniuses shouted as they both gunned for it, but Ford was able to catch it first and placed it back on his desk. "Phew, that was close." Ford said panting. "If this rift were to break, who knows how much hell would run loose!"

"That reminds me." Dipper said. "If Haruko WAS working with Bill, I guess she would betray him and use the rift for herself." Ford stuck the rift in a cabinet and turned to his junior. "Speaking of which, where is she now?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Haruko was speeding through Gravity Falls on her Vespa. It was a pretty rainy day out and she was showing off on her vehicle until she crashed into a streetlight, leaving a perfectly shaped dent.

"Crashing into public property on a vehicle with unknown parts." The police officer said as he and his partner arrived on the scene. The duo consisted of a chubby dark-skinned man and his skinny big-nosed partner. "Ooh-whee, that oughta be worthy of a ticket."

"You got that right Durland." the dark-skinned officer replied. "Plus I've heard reports of a nurse tied up and stripped of her clothes by an unknown assailant." Just then Dipper and Mabel walked up to them. "Hi Sheriff Blubs, hi Deputy Durland!" Mabel greeted the two. "Hello Mabel." Blubs chuckled in reply. "Say, is this woman with you?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, yes." Dipper said. "She's been living with us as our maid despite barely doing anything." Haruko soon cut them off. "Listen everyone, I was just minding my own business." she said as she got up to repair her Vespa. "I know what you're thinking. 'How could two kids be my guardians?'"

"Hold up, they're your guardians?" Blubs asked. "Yep, we have custody of her since she assaulted me with her guitar." Dipper answered. "So you two came for me, eh?" Haruko asked the twins as she put on a cute smile. "C'mon I got a present for you, and it's better than CPR."

* * *

"Headin' home from work, do-do-do-do do." Wendy sang to herself as she left the Mystery Shack. She turned the key to close the door and started walking, until she noticed a floating ring in the woods. "Whoa, is that a god?" she wondered as she started moving towards it. To her surprise, it was TV-bot wearing a halo and black angel wings. Wendy started following him to the old church where the twins found dinosaurs frozen in sap and he climbed to the very top, spreading his arms and ascending towards the sky. "Holy crap it is a god!" Wendy said to herself. "Wait til the guys hear about this."

Meanwhile, Haruko took the Pines twins for a drive on her Vespa along the highway. "So you don't go to the beach that often huh?" Haruko asked. "We do sometimes but we're too busy with working at the Shack and solving the town's mysteries." Dipper replied. "Hey bro-bro, check out all the bugs in my teeth!" Mabel exclaimed showing all the flies that got caught in her braces. Haruko then started going faster, much to the kids surprise.

"Can you go a bit slower? You're driving like crazy!" Dipper shouted. "What, I'm a great driver!" Haruko answered. And so, the three rode off into the sunset.

* * *

Later that night, Wendy had returned to the Shack for her movie night with Dipper, watching a Pony Fights marathon. Haruko was playing with Waddles and Mabel was knitting a new sweater, this time it was a red & blue sweater with a spider on it. "So anyway, I followed TV-bot to the old church where you found those dinosaurs and it just flew off." Wendy had finished telling her story to the others. "Wow, what would happen if anyone saw him going around like that?" Dipper wondered.

"I saw him at the grocery store." Haruko said. "He was reading an issue of Gold Chains for Old Men." Dipper was confused at how a robot could take interest in the same magazines as Grunkle Stan. "Wait, when?" he asked. "He's actually a pretty nice guy, sure wish he could hang out with me and my friends." Wendy said. "Speaking of which," Haruko added. "Where is he anyway?"

Suddenly, a bright light appeared outside the Shack as the robot descended from above. "Hey, Canti's back!" Wendy shouted as they all rushed outside. "Wait, Canti?" Mabel wondered. "That's what I've decided to call it." Everybody watched in awe as Canti touched down on the ground and extended his hand to reveal a bag of groceries he was holding.

"You are late!" Haruko shouted as she snatched the groceries out of Canti's hand. "Wait, you're using him to run errands?" Dipper asked as Haruko drank a can of Pitt Cola from the bag, in which she pit out the pit in it. "I thought I told you to get the pitless ones!" Haruko said as Canti walked away. "Where are you going?"

Canti gave a second bag to Stan when he walked down the stairs. "That's my boy!" Stan said as he dug through the bag to find his issue of Gold Chains for Old Men, which he used to whack Canti over the head. "This is the June 1985 issue you idiot, how did you even find it? Can't you do anything right?!"

Stan gave the magazine back to Canti who started to look through it.

"Stan too?" Dipper groaned. "I guess people must really dig service bots." Wendy added. "That robot's useless." Haruko growled as she continued chugging down her Pitt. "You're the one who broke it." Dipper replied. "C'mon Haruko, you can't say stuff like that to a god!" Wendy said pointing to Canti. "What's she on about?" Haruko wondered. "I don't know either." Mabel wondered. "He has black wings so that means he must be one of them!" Wendy claimed praying to him. "That's it, we're keeping him inside." Dipper proclaimed.

"Hey TV-bot," Ford said coming out from behind the vending machine. "I'm going out tonight. Can you record Ghost Harassers for me?"

* * *

"Y'know Mabel, when you said you were going to show your friends Diamond Brandy I thought you meant that picture we took when we first met Haruko." Dipper said the next day as he & Mabel journeyed through the forest with Mabel's three friends Candy Chiu, Grenda Grendinator and Pacifica Northwest, the most popular girl in town and former enemy of the twins.

"I know Dippin' Dots but it's like a wise man once said, seeing is believing." Mabel replied. "Plus I'm still surprised Pacifica is still allowed to hang out with us after Northwest Fest." The kids continued trekking through the forest when Pacifica decided to ask something. "So what is this Diamond Brandy guy?" she inquired.

"Well let me put it to all of you like this." Mabel answered. "There was an almighty, all powerful vampire wizard man & there was this handsome, rather dashing hero who completely destroyed him!" She told the story while raising her hands in the air like a mad scientist in an old horror movie. "Whoa." Grenda said. "That wizard man seems really cool and handsome!" Candy exclaimed.

The group made their way to where the twins found Brandy's tomb only to find the statue...gone. "I don't believe it, it was right here!" Dipper panicked. "We found it two days ago and now it's gone!" As he dropped on the ground in a fetal position, Pacifica walked up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, that statue may be gone but at least we know you found it." The two smiled at each other when Mabel killed the mood. "By the way, Haruko kinda sounds a bit like your mom." Upon hearing this, Pacifica dropped on the ground as well.

"Was it something I said?" Mabel asked. "So she has a Rickenbacker like George Harrison?" Grenda spoke up. "No, I think Paul McCartney plays that." Candy replied. "Girls girls, calm yourselves." Mabel said.

* * *

"Another burning boathouse." Blubs said as he and Durland examined what used to be the smoking remains of a boathouse that night. "Good grief, what is even going on?" Durland wondered. Dipper, who somehow happened to be passing through, took notice of the fire and rushed toward it.

"Whoa there kid!" Durland exclaimed stopping Dipper in his tracks. "Do you want to end up like Officer Miles by rushing into that fire? Poor guy, his last words were 'Please tell my family to keep my hoagie frozen!'" As the two cops mourned the death of their fellow officer, time started to slow down. "Wait, what's going on?" Dipper wondered. Suddenly he was pulled into the grasp of a muscular blonde man in yellow & green clothing bearing his sharp teeth. Dipper immediately recognized him as Diamond Brandy.

"You're next." Brandy whispered into the boy's ear before completely vanishing. Dipper was dumbfounded on what happened and how Brandy was still alive, but he knew something bad must be coming.

Meanwhile Haruko was sitting in Stan's chair talking to a communication device on her wrist. "No, I haven't been able to get in touch with those two." she said. "I recruited one of those empty robots but he's pretty much useless. Y'know the gears have been turning but I don't know what do to now." As Waddles started nibbling on her pant leg, she opened the door to notice the smoke rising from the boathouse from afar. "Yeesh, what happened there?"

* * *

Dipper was running as fast as he can back to the Shack, panting along the way but he soon got lost in the dark. "I've got to tell everyone about Diamond Brandy! Mabel, Ford, Haruko, everyone!" he panicked before he noticed he was lost in the forest. "Oh great, now what do I do?" He started pacing around the clearing before stepping on something that made a crunching noise. He picked up the source of the noise which turned out to be a piece of paper labeled "Firestarter" along with various alchemy symbols and ancient incantations. "Could this be what Brandy used?"

Suddenly he heard the sound of crackling fire. "Another boathouse?" Walking his way to the source, he instead discovered Canti in front of a fire with Wendy & her friends Robbie, Thompson, Lee & Nate and Tambry gathered around it. "What are you even doing?" he asked. "We're performing a ritual for Lord Canti, God of Black Wings." Robbie answered as he prayed before Canti. Dipper couldn't believe that a simple robot was being worshipped like a guy.

"Alright guys," Wendy said. "who wants to kiss him?" And then everybody turned to Thompson. "Oh no guys, not me! Anyone but me!" Thompson said frantically. "C'mon, we haven't got all night." Tambry said pulling out her phone.

"Agh, alright." he moaned as he walked towards Canti while the other teens cheered him on. "Please spare me from your wrath Lord Canti." Thompson begged as he puckered up his lips.

Suddenly Dipper's hat flew off his head as another horn began growing. "Whoa, look at that!" Nate shouted pointing at him. Another robot, just like earlier in the chapter, began to form out of the boy's forehead, but instead it was blue and more bulky in shape. As it popped out of his head, Dipper was sent flying.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the forest, Haruko was on her Vespa with Mabel along for the ride. "We gotta find Dipper, Stan's getting worried." Mabel said. And as if they were speaking of the devil, Dipper rocketed at them. "Dippy!" Mabel called out as she grabbed her brother by the shirt collar, but it was all for nothing as he was tossed into the air. "How dare you hurt Takkun!" Haruko shouted before turning her attention to the new robot, which Canti was already fighting.

The robot sent a mighty punch flying to Canti's face, knocking off his halo & wings in the process. Haruko charged at the robot armed with her Rickenbacker before it tried to punch her. As she landed on the ground, Wendy tried her hardest to catch the falling Dipper. "Dude!" she shouted as he fell flat on the ground.

Haruko got back up, leaped in the air and tried to hit it with her guitar again only to get shot down. "Haruko?" Dipper said getting up again. "Mabel, Wendy!" He rushed to the two and shoved them away from the robot's rampage, in which Canti put himself in front of them. "Task-un!" Dipper mumbled, which caused a strange symbol to appear on Canti's screen. He pushed the robot away and morphed its torso into a pair of crocodile-like jaws which it used to eat Dipper.

"Dipper!" Wendy shouted as his friend was pulled in. "What are you doing, let go of me!" Dipper screamed as he was pulled further in. "Takkun is..." Haruko said in complete shock as the boy was swallowed whole. "He ate him!" Mabel shouted.

Dipper was now in some weird swirly dimension where a lightbulb was being drilled into his head, when it was fully inserted it blinked.

"Hey Canti, spit out my brother this instant!" Mabel demanded as she noticed Canti turning red, just like how he first appeared to them. Haruko's bracelet began acting up again as the larger robot charged again only to be stopped by Canti. With this new power, he began to utterly clobber it much to everyone's surprise. Gently pushing Mabel aside, he morphed into a turret and aimed at the enemy machine.

"Transformation?" Haruko wondered as he fired, causing serious damage to the robot. Haruko immediately jumped into the air and put an end to it with her guitar. It then exploded as Canti scooped up Mabel, the teens and the Vespa in his arms as he escaped in the nick of time. Setting a shocked Mabel down, Canti returned to its normal color and urinated out Dipper.

"Oh my head, what happened?" Dipper groaned getting up. "Last thing I remember was getting eaten alive by Canti and having something screwed into my head." As he noticed the flaming remains of the robot, his sister ran up and glomped him. "OMG bro bro, you're alive!" she shouted as she began to cry. "And really sticky too."

"Hey wait a minute, that wasn't Lord Canti after all! We've been ripped off!" Lee exclaimed pointing at Canti. "Status update: insane nine year old got eaten by robot." Tambry said as she typed on her phone. Just then, sirens started sounding as Haruko panicked. "Oh crapbaskets!" she shouted as she got on her Vespa. "C'mon gang, let's blow this chapter and go home!"

Dipper didn't know what just happened earlier, but he knew these next few days were going to be crazier than normal. "I have to tell Ford about this." he said to himself as he pulled out the Firestarter paper he discovered.

* * *

Hey dudes, Wendy here! Wow that was one crazy day, huh? Well at least there won't be anymore giant robots coming right? Right?

Anyway, tune in next time for Fooly Falls chapter 3. Read & review or I'll take your soul! Wait a minute, isn't that line from somewhere else?


	3. Stan and Haruko

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter 3: Stan and Haruko**

* * *

It was a cloudy morning in Washington as Scott was busy driving a truck full of illegal sugar given to him by Stanley Pines through the city of Walla Walla "Hot damn, is Pines going to be happy with the money he's gonna receive." he said to himself in his Scottish accent. After making a few turns, he arrived at his destination at an empty warehouse. When he pulled in, he came face to face with an Asian man clad in a white suit. "Do you have the sugar?" he asked. "Of course I do Jackson!" Scott replied as he jumped out the front seat, pulled open the back and carried a crate out.

"Well, let's see it." Jackson proclaimed as he used a crowbar to open the crate. When he and Scott expected their sugar, instead they got a box full of cinnamon. "WHAT?!" Scott shouted as he scooped up the cinnamon and sniffed it. "This ain't the sugar we want!"

"You know Stan Pines," Jackson said. "he is quite a trickster." Scott however was the angrier of the two as he tossed his head back, raised his arms to the sky and screamed as loud as he can.

"STAAAAAAN PIIIIIIIIINES!"

* * *

Meanwhile in Gravity Falls, Dipper had woken up after the debacle with the giant robot last night. He looked around the attic to find Mabel still fast asleep cuddling Waddles among all the junk that had mysteriously shown up overnight. Walking outside, he found Haruko dressed in a bandana & overalls tuning up Stan's car and her Vespa at the same time. "Hey, housekeeper wannabe!" he called, but she didn't listen. "Cleaning woman!" he called again but she still didn't listen. "Hey, bottom feeder!" he was getting sick of her not paying attention. "Crazy alien."

"Come again?" Haruko grinned as she finally looked at him. "Can you clean up the mess you've made in the attic? There's boxes everywhere." he asked. "Oh yeah, I'm helping Stan with moving stuff around the Shack." Haruko answered. "Ford didn't want all those bobbleheads around his nerd stuff so I stuck 'em all there." As she explained, Canti was also helping as he moved boxes to the attic. "Your grunkle's got a lot of cool junk there kid."

Suddenly the Vespa let out a large puff of smoke, much to the shock of everybody passing by. "Seriously, these parts were in good condition and now they're not." Haruko grumbled as she continued working on the bike. "Very strange, don'tcha think?" Dipper let out a small "hmph" as he walked back inside, before the girl started hugging him as tight as she could. "Can you let me go, I've got things to do!" he shouted as she squeezed him tighter. "What are you doing with Grunkle Stan's car anyway?"

"Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. Your uncle's invited me to come along on one of his revenge trips." she replied as she started squishing his cheeks. "You ever noticed how squishy your face is? They feel just like little baby toes."

"Let go of me!" he groaned before Haruko finally let him go. "So, what's for dinner tonight?" she asked as Dipper dusted himself and adjusted his cap. "Um, Chinese?" he answered. "Eh, doesn't matter. Stan and I are gonna bring home tons of food."

* * *

"So Dipper, Haruko told you Stan invited her on a revenge trip?" Mabel said when Dipper walked back inside. "How did you know?" he asked. "I've been eavesdropping." she replied. "She also said something about how my face felt like baby toes." he added. "Well, she's kind of right."

Just then Soos walked in. "What up dudes?" he greeted. "So, Mr. Pines is going on another revenge trip, huh?" he asked as he whipped out his screwdriver. "You bet Soos." Dipper answered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to talk with Ford about whatever this is." He pulled out the parchment he found last night for Mabel and Soos to see. "I think this 'Firestarter' thing might be connected to the boathouses."

"Hmm, I can definitely conclude," Soos stated. "that this sets things on fire."

* * *

"So Diamond Brandy has returned and this is what he's using?" Ford questioned as he examined the paper. "Yeah, and it was really insane too!" Dipper exclaimed, sweating as usual. "A boathouse was burning down and he grabbed my face and he said 'You're next!'" With a solemn expression on his face, the author put down the Firestarter and turned towards his future apprentice.

"I think I may have something he wants. Follow me." he led Dipper to a large room connected to his lab containing the remains of a humongous triangle-shaped machine. This was the portal that Ford built to explore the weirdness of the universe, but things went horribly wrong and he was stranded in another part of the multiverse for thirty years.

Ford and Dipper stopped at a lever connected to the portal when Ford knelt down and opened a compartment containing a small keypad. Punching in the numbers "1-9-5-3," it revealed a display case holding a stone mask with a red jewel on it. "This is the legendary Eyes of Heaven mask." he explained. "Created by an ancient race known as the Pole People, this was the last remaining piece of their culture before they were all wiped out."

"By who?" Dipper asked. "By one of their own, Diamond Brandy." Ford revealed. The boy had never known that Brandy was one of these Pole People until now. "Fiddleford and I found this mask in the ruins of the Pookajee Temple, a long long time ago..."

* * *

"Are you sure this place is safe Ford?" a young man with brown hair, glasses and a lab coat around Ford's age said as he & his companion roamed the ancient ruins. This was Fiddleford McGucket, Stanford's lab partner and future town hillbilly. "Don't be such a worrywart Fidds," Ford reassured. "those pawnshop runes we found must mean something about this place." As the two ventured further into the ruins, they started feeling an air of danger as if it was telling them to turn back.

"Thousands of years ago when time was in its infancy, an ancient race of powerful beings known as the Pole People ruled over the patch of land that would become Gravity Falls." Ford explained to his companion as he picked up a torch from the wall and pointed at some hieroglyphics. "They thrived for many years until they were all wiped out by Deh'Go Bu'Ran'Doy. Prior to this event, they learned of that individual's true plan and created a mask that would de-power him, but it was all for nothing as he re-purposed it for his own dastardly deeds."

As they went deeper into the ruins, Fiddleford started feeling more uneasy. "Maybe we should turn back. God knows what dangers await us." he said as they happened upon a mask on display. It looked like a man's face in design with a small nose & slanted eyes, but its most notable feature was the red jewel inserted into its forehead.

"My my, I reckon this must be the mask you were talkin' about." McGucket said examining it. "Indeed it is Fiddleford," Ford replied. "I think we should take it for further research." McGucket was taken aback by this declaration, as this would anger the spirits of the Pole People. "Seriously Pines, I don't think coming here was a good idea." he whispered. "I know, but it's our mission to record the weirdness of Gravity Falls." his lab partner replied as he snatched the mask from its pedestal and replaced it with a paperweight. Suddenly, the paperweight began to sink into the pedestal as the temple began to shake.

"It's a trap!" Fiddleford screamed while glaring at Ford. "What'd I tell ya Ford, what'd I tell ya?!" As the ruins continued shaking and even looked like it was going to collapse, a huge boulder dropped from above, much to the two's shock. "You can yell at me later, we gotta run!" Ford shouted back as they made a break for the entrance.

They ran as fast as they could from the boulder until they finally escaped, watching as the temple finally collapsed. "Dadgumit, that was close." McGucket said panting. "Yeah, but at least we got the mask." Ford replied as he examined it, the jewel gleaming in the afternoon sun.

* * *

"When we got home, I hid the mask in the lab because if Brandy were to find it, he would become unstoppable." Ford finished explaining the mask's origin to Dipper. "But how was he crucified?" Dipper asked. "Ah yes, I forgot that detail." the scientist answered. "In his dying breath, the last of the Pole People cast a sealing spell on Brandy that stuck him on a cross and turned him to stone."

"Hey guys, if you're done being all nerdy & stuff, you should go upstairs and see Stan and I off." Haruko said as she walked into the portal room clad in a pink Hawaiian shirt, sunhat and black short shorts drinking some Pitt. "Wait, what?" Ford wondered. "She's been invited on one of his revenge trips." Dipper said.

* * *

"Alright everyone, we'll be back soon!" Stan called later that night to his family, employees and Canti. "Probably by the end of this chapter." Haruko added as she kickstarted the Stanleymobile. "Oh, and Ford." Stan pulled out another fez like his own and placed it on his brother's head. "Mind the Shack while I'm gone, okay?" And with that, the two drove off into the night laughing along the way.

"So how long before they get in trouble with the cops?" Mabel asked. "Probably about a few days." Dipper replied. "Well, we've said our goodbyes but I think it's time to hit the sack." Ford said as he walked the twins inside.

Meanwhile, Stan & Haruko had just crossed the town border and left Gravity Falls. "So where we going Stan?" Haruko asked her new partner in crime. "I think we should go through the Redwood Highway, prank every tourist trap along there and maybe stop for lunch along the way." Stan explained as he pulled out a map of all the tourist traps up ahead. "I think we should get lunch at Booby's, the country's number one blue-footed booby themed restaurant."

While Stan was talking, Haruko picked up her Rickenbacker and started to tune it up. "Say, think you can strike up a tune on your guitar?" he asked. "It's a bass old man!" she barked. "But yeah, I think I know a few songs. Know anything about The Pillows?"

"Are they one of those girl bands from the 80s?" Stan asked. "Nope!" Haruko replied as she started playing Ride on Shooting Star as the Stanleymobile rode off into the night.

* * *

"Hey Dipper! Earth to Dipper! Hey, are you in there bro-bro? It's your move!" Mabel said the next day while she and Dipper were playing a game of Brawler Beasts. "Oh, sorry Mabel. I've just been deep in thought about these last few days." Dipper replied as he made his move on the card game. "I mean between Haruko, Canti, all this talk about black wings and robots, it's just really peculiar compared to what we've seen."

"Yeah, like remember back when we found Diamond's statue and then when we brought along my friends it was all gone?" his sister inquired. "Yeah, that was definitely peculiar." he replied. "Anyway, I summon Shadow Wizard in attack mode." He moved his card to the field. "Your soul points are toast Mabel!" he boasted. "Oh yeah, well I summon the Forbidden Verbodia!" Mabel shouted in reply, much to the horror of her brother. "AGH, IMPOSSIBLE!" he screamed. "I've gathered all five cards and your Shadow Wizard is headed for the Yami Dimension! Game, set and match."

Dipper was completely stunned at how Mabel was able to gather the five pieces of Verbodia as he fell to the floor. "Good game sis." he said wearily. "Seriously, how did you get all of them?" he wondered. "I've actually swiped them from your deck while you were staring off into space." she answered. "Why?" he asked. "Because screw the rules, Waddles is adorable!"

"So that's why my deck felt lighter. Well if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see Old Man McGucket." Dipper said. "Wait, why are you going to see him?" Mabel asked. "Ford says the two of them have researched Diamond Brandy in the past so maybe he might know about this parchment I found a while ago." Dipper pulled the Firestarter tome from his pocket and showed it to Mabel, who gasped in amazement. "So this can set things on fire?" she said taking it out of her brother's hands. "No no no! Whatever you do, don't set anything on fire!"

"I'm kidding Dippin' Dots." Mabel said handing the paper back to Dipper. "I'm just gonna go catch up on Ducktective." As Dipper left the Shack, Wendy rushed over to Mabel's side. "So which cards did you replace Verbodia with?" she asked, which Mabel replied by pulling out a Chibi-Furry card.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mr. Mystery and the Vespa Woman had pulled up to their latest stop on their revenge trip, the Corn Maze. "What's so special about this place?" Haruko asked. "The thing is Haruhara, people have been lost in this maze for like, a long time." Stan answered. "What we're gonna do is shine a big spotlight at the entrance and make everyone chase down the proprietor." As he hauled a large searchlight from out of the trunk, he began searching for a power source. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have one of those multi-outlet things lying around, wouldja?" he asked.

Thinking for a bit, Haruko pulled a heavy duty power generator from out of nowhere and hooking it up to the spotlight. "That's my girl." he said. The light shined brightly, guiding many families, tourists and crazy people toward it. "Thank you strangers!" one of the tourists exclaimed. "We have been trapped here for years!"

"No Frank, we've just been lost for like a few weeks." another one of the tourists corrected. "Well what're you waitin' for everyone?" Stan announced. "Go beat up the guy running this joint!" Everybody then turned toward the owner of the corn maze. "Heh heh heh, uhhhhh...everyone gets a refund?" he said meekly. "GET HIM!" a father shouted pointing at him and everybody stampeded him while Stan & Haruko drove off, "bwa-ha-haing" along the way as the corn maze owner swore revenge.

* * *

"Old Man McGucket, where are you?" Dipper called wandering into the local junkyard. "I got something you might be interested in." Just then, he walked in McGucket, with a white beard & clad in a pair of overalls and worn hat that many would recognize, enjoying a makeshift candlelight dinner with a raccoon. "Oh Dipper, didn't expect you would be comin'." he said getting up from the bucket he was sitting on. "Been a long while since we last saw each other." Dipper replied. "Think it was at Northewest Fest when you jabbered about the end times."

"That's nuttin' kid, say whatcha got there?" McGucket pulled the piece of paper from Dipper's hand and began to examine it. "Firestarter? Say, I think I remember something like this. C'mon, I'll show you." As he and Dipper walked to the rickety shack made out of random trash, he turned to the raccoon at the table. "I'll be back soon Raccoon Wife."

Walking inside, Fiddleford turned on a laptop and started searching for information on the Firestarter page until he found something. "Here we go, says here Diamond Brandy had goshdarn powerful fire magic. All Pole People are naturally gifted in magic, but him? Hoo-whee!"

"But where do you suppose he got this power?" Dipper asked looking over the paper when he noticed a faint outline of a pointed shape on the back. "Wait a minute, this looks familiar." Grabbing a permanent marker from his vest pocket, he began drawing on it, sketching a top hat, bow tie and singular eye until the shape became a figure that was all too familiar to him.

"BILL CIPHER?!" he exclaimed in complete shock upon realizing that their old enemy was once in league with Brandy.

* * *

"Whoa whoa whoa, Diamond Brandy worked with you-know-who?" Mabel was shocked to hear Dipper's revelation later that day. "Yeah, his face was on the back of Firestarter and it turns out Brandy got his magic upgrade from him!" he replied. "I heard something about Diamond Brandy," Ford called as he appeared before the two. "What was it again?"

"He actually made a deal with Bill." Dipper repeated, much to the horror of his intelligent great uncle. "HE WHAT?!" he shouted. "I learned of this when I visited Old Man McGucket, his image was printed on the back." Dipper showed the drawing of Bill to him. "I can't believe it. Apparently Brandy must be more powerful than we thought. We have to warn everyone about him, especially Stanley."

"Speaking of Grunkle Stan, how are he and Haruko doing anyway?" Mabel wondered.

* * *

"And that's when I said, 'Her aim is getting' better!'" Stan said to Haruko later that night in a hot tub at the Septic Ridge RV Park. "And then some guy with a video camera turned that into an Internet meme."

"Gotta say Fezhead, hangin' with you and pissing people off is really fun." Haruko replied reclining on the edge of the tub, showing off her red bikini top & black bottoms. "I mean, the look on Granny's face when we tied her to that yarnball was utterly priceless!"

"So where we headed next?" Stan replied by pulling out a map from seemingly out of nowhere and opening it. "I say we sabotage Neon-Ville, then raid Mystery Mountain before we go to Booby's for lunch and finally going home." he said looking quite nervous. "And let's say I have quite a history with that mountain." He sheepishly tugged the collar of his old-timey grey & dark-grey bathing suit. "Whaddya mean by that Lee?" his Vespa-riding companion wondered, wading uncomfortably close to him. "Go on, tell me. I'm your friend."

"Let's just say that ever since my first time there, I now have a fear of spiders!" Stan fearfully blurted. "Okay then, everybody has something to fear." Haruko said leaning back. "Well, best we hit the hay if we want to make other scammers' lives a living hell." She pulled a pair of Pitt colas and handed one to Stan, proposing a toast. "To conning the cons!" she announced.

"To conning the cons." Stan replied with a smile as they clanked their soda cans and laughed.

* * *

The next day, Dipper and Ford were sitting at the living room table examining the Firestarter parchment. "Where did Diamond get something like this?" Dipper inquired. "I think there may be something in the journal about this." Ford answered as he pulled out two books like Dipper's journal, only both had the numbers 1 & 2 on them and the first one looked more banged up. Opening it, he began searching for answers on Brandy until he came across a page on him.

"Ah here we go." he said. "It says here that the being that would become Diamond Brandy was considered the black sheep of the Pole People because of his less than impressive abilities, so he exacted revenge by making a deal with the Great Triangle God of Weirdness to become even more powerful."

"And we all know who that guy is." Dipper sardonically added. Just then there was a knock on the door. "I'll go get it!" Opening the door, he found Scott the illegal sugar transporter at the doorstep looking rather unhappy. "Hello boy," he greeted with a hint of anger in his voice. "is your great uncle home?"

"Look man, Stan's off on a trip." Dipper answered. "Try coming back later." Shutting the door, Scott turned towards an army of mercenaries led by Jackson in front of him. "Call it off boys, that cheater isn't home." he announced, much to the displeasure of the mercenaries. "WHAT?" A particular one shouted stepping forth. He was a black man with spiky blue hair clad in dark clothing looking quite perturbed. "This was my big chance and he had to be away!" he complained. "Sorry Damien, might as well wait." Scott apologized as they all rolled out.

"Who was at the door?" Ford asked as Dipper walked back to the table. "Just some guy Stan was in cahoots with. I'm pretty sure he had a bunch of bounty hunters behind him." he answered. Suddenly, he felt something funny on his head. "What the?" Rushing to the bathroom, he looked in the mirror to find he had grown a pair of cat ears.

"Is something wrong Dipper?" Ford called from the other room. "I-I don't even know what's happening anymore!" he replied in shock. "Ohmigosh bro, are those..." a familiar voice gasped behind him. It was none other than Mabel. "Were you here the entire time?" Dipper asked his sister. "I have just the sweater for the occasion!" Mabel rushed upstairs and came back down wearing an orange sweater with a cat's face on it and cat ear headbands. "Now we're both kitty cats!" she shouted hugging her brother. "Cat ears, kitty kitty, meow."

* * *

"Did Neon-Ville have quite the blackout or what?" Stan chortled after he and Haruko sabotaged their latest tourist trap. "You bet, everyone was running like crazy!" Haruko laughed along. "Hey, I can see Mystery Mountain up ahead!" Pulling up into the attraction's parking lot, Stan noticed a familiar face. It was Darlene, proprietor of Mystery Mountain and arachnomorph that tried to turn him into a mummy. "Alright, now listen closely." he whispered to his pink-haired partner. "I'll go & pretend to propose to her and when the time is right, make the biggest explosion Roadkill County has ever seen. I even made a fake ring out of a quarter."

Presenting the coin ring to Haruko, he began to strut into Darlene's line of sight, much to her displeasure. "Oh goody, you again." Darlene groaned. "Lemme guess, you here to try and cheat me out of a relationship?" As she grumbled, Stan's face touched hers and everything suddenly turned pink and sparkly. "Darlene-san, I have done some soul-searching since last we crossed paths, a-and there's something that my heart has been wanting to ask you." he claimed sounding like a character from a Japanese romance drama, which caught Darlene by surprise.

"Oh Stanny, you can tell me anything." she replied taking him by the hand and walking him deeper into the woods. Stan looked back, pointing at Darlene as Haruko replied with a double peace sign, with mountains of TNT that wouldn't look out of place in a Tex Avery cartoon.

Walking to a secluded part of the attraction and sitting Darlene down on a stump, Stan took a knee. "Darlene," he said, pulling out a box containing the coin ring. "Would you do me the honor of...BLOWING YOU AWAY?!" As he laughed loud and heartily, the mountain exploded as many rocks came tumbling down, much to the arachnomorph's shock. "Get it, blow you away?" Stan continued laughing, wiping a tear from his eye. "Y'know because that just blew up."

He stopped laughing as he noticed Darlene looking quite angry. "You're gonna try to kill me again, aren't you?" he asked. "Oh you bet pal." she replied in a distorted voice as her eyes turned pitch black and the lower half of her body being replaced with spider legs. "C'mon Vespa, gimme a lift here!" he cried as the giant man-eating spider prowled towards him. Just as she was about to pounce on him, Haruko arrived in the nick of time on her scooter picking Stan up along the way.

"Thanks for the lift there babe!" he said. "No problem Pines, to the Stanleymobile!" she thanked as the Vespa zoomed through the forest, dodging attacks from Darlene along the way. When they finally got to the parking lot, the Vespa bounded through the air with the two making cool poses before it crashed near the Stanleymobile and they got in. "Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed." Haruko said banging on the dashboard. "Excellent, to Booby's we go!" Stan added as they zoomed off.

* * *

"Check it out everyone, Dipper has cute little cat ears!" Mabel announced to Ford, Soos, Wendy and Canti as she stroked her brother's cat ears. "Please stop sis, don't touch me there." he grumbled. "Rockin' those ears dude." Soos complimented. "I have got to send this to everyone!" Wendy said pulling out her phone and taking pictures. "By my calculations, and by that I mean just a wild guess, this must be a side effect of Canti coming out of your head." Ford deduced turning to the robot.

"You're just a cute widdle kitty, yes you are, yes you are." Mabel cooed. "Did you even listen?" Dipper started getting more angry. "I said stop it!" he kept on protesting as everyone kept on laughing until he finally snapped. "I said, THAT'S ENOUGH!" he finally screamed shoving Mabel away from his ears, much to everyone's shock.

After a brief moment of silence, Mabel started groaning and clutching her head as she grew her own set of cat ears with a strange third spike behind them. "Hey, my cat ears are gone!" Dipper exclaimed touching his own head. As his sister continued groaning, the ears & spike fused together and connected to the ceiling as it turned into another machine. Mabel's legs started to move before kicking Dipper in the face.

"I can't believe it, Dipper must've transferred that mysterious energy to Mabel when he touched her and a machine must've spawned from it!" Ford explained as Mabel's eyes turned a ghastly red. "No time for bein' nerdy Ford, let's get out of here!" Wendy exclaimed as they all began to run from the now controlled Mabel.

* * *

Meanwhile, Stan and Haruko had just escaped from Darlene and were making their way to their next stop. "Weclome to Booby's H, the one place where hot chicks and chicken wings mix!" Stan announced as they parked in the restaurant's parking lot. Getting out of the car, Stan glanced at a pair of heavyset men in suits being led by a shorter man wearing a purple suit & white hat. He immediately knew what he was in for.

"Oh geez, not them! Anyone but them!" he panicked as he hid under the car. "Okay, first you were afraid of that crazy spider lady and now these weirdos?" Haruko stated as he pulled him out. "I thought you were made of sterner stuff."

"You don't understand Haruko, these are the Molehill Gang, one of the toughest crime families in Oregon and now they're here!" Stan whimpered. "I once was an important compadre of theirs til they decided to betray me." That's when he got another idea. "Okay, here's the plan. We both go undercover, me as one of their goons and you as a Booby's waitress." he whispered to Haruko. "Just sneak in through the backdoor, pilfer a spare uniform and we're good to go."

The two split up as Stan advanced toward a skinny slimy-looking fellow in an orange zoot suit with green stripes, tapping him on the shoulder to make him turn around. "Stanford Pines?" the man said. "I thought they whacked ya!" Stan only replied by cracking his knuckles.

* * *

Meanwhile, Haruko had come out of the bathroom clad in a tight-fitting black tanktop with the Booby's logo on the chest, blue running shorts showing off her long slender legs, pantyhose and black tennis shoes. "This better work Stan." she mumbled before walking to a group of college aged boys at a booth. "Welcome to Booby's, can I take your order?" she asked. "We'll take four cheeseburgers with extra cheese, a medium fry and your number." the first one, who had black hair and a straw hat on his head answered.

"Hey, show some respect for the women here idiot!" the second one with green hair and olive skin shouted to his friend. "Did you suddenly forget where we're at?" the third one, who also had black hair and a pointy nose said. "This place was practically built on sexy chicks serving good food."

"Okay, I've had enough of you guys arguing." Haruko finally states. "I'm just gonna go now and get your food ready." She walked away, with the boys getting a good look at her butt. Meanwhile, Stan walked into the restaurant wearing the man's zoot suit. Strutting towards the table where the Molehill Mob sat, he sat down and faced their leader. "Hey Big Tiny, how's it going boss?" he greeted. "Nice to see you too Napier." Big Tiny said in a thick Brooklyn accent. "Say, you look kinda different. Ya low on Botox or somethin'?"

"No sir, I'm fine. Let's just do patty cake and get things started." Stan nervously said. "I don't think this is the real Napier boss." the big man with the tie & flat top sitting beside Tiny said. "He could be a copper trying to bring us down." the second one with a bad haircut added. "Hm, let's see if you're right boys." Tiny said before putting out his hands. "C'mon, let's play pattycake Napier, if that's your real name." Stan groaned as he put out his.

As the two played pattycake, Haruko came back to serve the boys their food before taking notice of Stan with the mobsters. "Yep, that's him guys." Tiny said. "Thank you boss." Stan replied. "So, why are you at this sexually attractive restaurant?" he asked. "Well you see, our regular speakeasy had to be fumigated because of a roach problem. All the other places didn't allow us and this was the last place on our minds."

Just then, Haruko walked toward them bending down on the table to show off her cleavage. "So boys, you want to order or are you here for a show?" she asked. "We'll have a big plate of hot wings with some booze on the side." Tiny said. "Alright, I'll take a note of that." Haruko said before she tried to walk away when Stan got up and took her aside. "So how you doing Pinky?" he whispered. "Pretty good, I had to deal with a bunch of horny guys." she whispered back. "Hey, where's our food babe?" Tiny called from the booth.

Suddenly, a man wearing nothing but boxer shorts burst through the door, looking quite furious. "YOU!" he shouted pointing at Stan. "Hey buddy, get outta here!" Tiny shouted hopping on the table. "I'm the real Napier boss, that guy is Stanford!" The three mobsters went deathly quiet as Tiny jumped down the floor and walked to Stan, grabbing him by the collar.

"So you came crawlin' back to us Pines, after what you did to us?!" he shouted. "Look Tiny, I didn't intend on ratting you out, but it was the right thing to do!" Stan begged for mercy as Tiny glared at him. "Fettuccine, Alfredo, whack 'im." he finally said snapping his fingers before the two grabbed the con artist by the arms. "Oh no, please spare me Tiny! Save me Haruko!" he screamed as he was dragged outside.

"Seems like this is a job for me." Haruko said to herself as she rushed back into the bathroom, and boldly bursting out of it now wearing her regular clothes Superman-style.

* * *

Meanwhile, still in Gravity Falls, Dipper, Ford, Canti, Soos and Wendy were running from the now giant robot-controlled Mabel through the forest. "Isn't there anything you can do Canti?!" Dipper shouted to Canti. "Just eat me up again and become more powerful! That worked last time!"

"I don't think that's going to work this time dude!" Wendy shouted as she dodged another attack. "What about you Ford?" she turned to the author. "Quickly, I need someone to go into my room and look for a briefcase labeled Experiment #618!" Ford shouted. "I am on it!" Soos complied as he raced back to the Shack. "What's Experiment #618?" Dipper asked. "It's a prototype quantum destablilizer I've been working on! If I aim it just right, we can non-lethally blast Mabel and save her from that monstrosity!" Ford answered.

Soos came running back to the group, panting as he held up the briefcase. "I got your thingy Mr. Pines!" he said. "Thanks Soos!" Ford thanked as they stopped. "I only got one good shot at this." He prepared to shoot his quantum destabilizer before Mabel ripped it out of his hands and tossed it at a nearby tree, breaking it. "Aw come on!" he shouted. With no options left, the group stood before a monstrous version of the bubbly sweater girl who prepared to attack. "Wouldn't Haruko know something about this?" Wendy wondered turning to Dipper, who had Canti on the ground grabbing him by the neck. "C'mon Canti, eat me, screw a lightbulb into my head, turn red, DO SOMETHING!" he screamed before the Medical Machine got up, grabbed the quantum destabilizer wielding it like Haruko's bass and swung at Mabel, only to get knocked down easily.

"I sure hope Grunkle Stan and Haruko are doing better." he mumbled as he prepared to meet his fate.

* * *

Fettuccine and Alfredo were beating Stan with rowing oars outside at Booby's parking lot while a group of people, with Big Tiny in front, watched. "That's what you get for sentencing us to fifteen years of cleaning up the showers whenever someone would drop the soap!" he laughed manically as the con artist's torture continued. "Please have mercy Big, I promise I'll be a better mook to ya!" Stan weeped as he got hit in the face. "Hate to break it to ya Pines, but promises ain't gonna get you anywhere when I'm around." Tiny replied as he took a smoke of his cigar and put it out on Stan's big nose.

What he didn't notice was Haruko looking over them on the restaurant's roof with her Vespa beside her. "Oh boy Stan, you're in big trouble now!" she mocked. "No time for jokes Haruhara, save me!" Stan called. Haruko replied by pushing down her goggles, mounting her bike and jumping down to the the mooks while shouting "ALRIGHT, LUUUUUUNCHTIIIIIIIME!"

"Hokey smokes, it's the waitress!" Fettuccine exclaimed as Haruko came crashing down on him, slamming him with her Rickenbacker. "And is that a Vespa?" Alfredo added before the bass came crashing down on him. The Vespa woman smirked as she glared at Big before Stan ran up and hugged her tight. "You're a life-saver Pinky!" he cried. "You're very welcome Wrinkles, now get offa me!" she replied before noticing that the chain on her metal wristband started acting up big time. "Looks like we better head back to the falls!" Haruko exclaimed as she and Stan hopped on her bike and zoomed away from Booby's.

"Get back here!" Fettuccine hollered fixing his tie and straightening his flat top. "Mark his words, you will most definitely pay!" Alfredo added with Haruko's Rickenbacker still wedged in his bad haircut. "Just let 'em go boys. They'll be back, soon we'll see." Big Tiny calmed them down with an evil grin on his face, before being interrupted by the crowd shouting "Check please!"

* * *

The Mabel-bot towered over them as she prepared to destroy them. "Please Mabel, don't you remember all the good times we had together?" Dipper pleaded. "When I gave up my day at the fair with Wendy so that you can get Waddles, our first Summerween, that time when you saved me and Ford from that Probabilator guy! Anything!"

Suddenly, as the robot prepared to attack, Stan and Haruko came zooming in on the Vespa, saving everyone in the nick of time. "Mabel's the one with the robot this time?" Stan said in shock. "Boy did I pick the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

"Great, must've left my bass at Booby's!" Haruko groaned before pulling a ukelele out of thin air and hitting Mabel with it, but to no avail. "Ukelele no good." Stan meanwhile was still in shock over this new robot taking control of her great-niece. "How is that even possible?!" he shouted. "I think when Mabel touched Dipper's cat ears, the energy must've been transferred to her head." Ford answered. "Wait, cat ears?" his brother wondered. "Long story Stanley. But still, trying to destroy it might be dangerous at this point."

" **Dangerous? DANGEROUS?! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!** " Stan screamed in Ford's face sounding hammier than William Shatner. "I'm saying that it's impossible to beat her at this point! And can you stop screaming?" Ford said. " **WELL I SAY THIS IS A TIME TO KICK REASON TO THE CURB AND DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!** " Stan, now shirtless and wearing his jacket like a cape, declared heroically pointing towards the heavens. " **NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY ANIKI?!** "

"Ugh, alright Stanley." Ford groaned pinching his nose. " **HARUKO, WE NEED YOUR BIKE!** " Mr. Mystery screamed to Haruko. "Now you're speaking my language!" she replied as she whistled, summoning her Rickenbacker to her hand. "Let's kick some ass!"

As she and the two old men hopped on the Vespa and bolted toward Mabel, Stan prepared his brass knuckles before exchanging a few words with Ford. "If I die here, then I have some final words for you. Don't believe in yourself! Believe in me! Believe in the Stan who believes in you!" he said. "Oy, might as well grin and bear it." Ford grumbled to himself. "Quick Ford, launch me in the air like Colossus and Wolverine!"

"HEY UGLY!" Stan screamed to the robot holding Mabel hostage as he stood boldly on his brother's hands. " **LET GO OF MY PUMPKIN OR FACE MY WRATH!** " The robot let out a roar before charging at the trio as Stan jumped in the air and reeled back his fist. " **LEEEEEEFT...HOOOOOOOOOK!** " he screamed louder than at the top of his lungs punching the robot, which caused a giant explosion that covered the sky.

When the dust finally settled, both Stan and Mabel were lying there in a large crater where the robot used to be. As Mabel finally awoken, she noticed her great uncle getting up as well before being surrounded by the others.

"That was totally bruce Mr. Pines!" Wendy shouted. "Yeah, like over nine thousand levels of awesome! Or was it eight thousand?" Soos added. "You did it! You saved Mabel!" Dipper cried as he ran to his sister and hugged her. "Wait, what just happened?" she wondered. "You were taken over by another robot and Grunkle Stan totally wasted it!" Dipper exclaimed as Canti scooped Mabel up in his arms and carried her home.

"Oh would you look at the time." Stan said looking at his watch. "Dinnertime everyone!" Haruko then pulled a bucket from Booby's out of her person and showed it to Dipper. "Brought some hot wings from Booby's, hope you're still hungry Pine Tree." she said. They all laughed as they walked back to the Shack.

* * *

Later on at the dinner table, the Pines were feasting on the hot wings Stan had brought from Booby's with Haruko standing in front of them dressed in a maid's outfit. "Y'know, they make their wings with Manhattan style spice." she said, much to Dipper's shock as his taste buds were incinerated by the spice. "I guess that's what makes them so hot." he groaned. "Oh lighten up Dipper, I'm alright now and we get some good stuff to eat." Mabel said. "Awkward sibling hug?" she asked wanting a hug.

"Awkward sibling hug." he replied and the two hugged before patting each other on the back. "Hopefully after this, nothing bad can ever happen to us." Stan said with his mouth full of wings. "Hopefully."

"So how was your trip Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asked. "Oh, we just went all fooly cooly all the way, kinda like what you did when Haruko first met you two!" Stan replied laughing as the old gag began again, much to everyone's displeasure.

* * *

"And she started beating everyone up with a Rickenbacker, y'know like the one Ringo Star has. Or was it John Lennon?" Napier said to a man at Booby's as Big Tiny and his men were being carried away. The man was dressed in a black suit and had red hair, but his most distinguishing feature was his comically oversized eyebrows. "And you said she was with one Stan Pines?" the man asked. "Yeah Amarao, that Stan took my suit and my name!"

"Commander Amarao, has Mr. Napier given us the information we need?" a dark-skinned blonde woman said as she walked out of the restaurant, followed by two men, one with black hair and a mustache and another with light brow hair. "Yes Kitsurubami." Amarao answered. "Powers, Trigger, have you analyzed the convertible this Pines left behind." he asked the two men.

"Indeed Amarao, but I can't help but feel this Stan Pines seems familiar." Powers answered. "You think we've seen him before?" Trigger wondered. "Doesn't matter, we're heading for Gravity Falls." Amarao announced. "I'm coming for you Raharu."

* * *

Do I really have to do this Mabel?

C'mon Grunkle Stan, Wendy and I did it the previous two chapters so it would make sense for you to do so.

Alright. Uh, read Fooly Falls chapter 4 when it comes out or something. There I did it! Happy?


	4. Batter Up

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter 4: Batter Up**

* * *

It was another beautiful day in Gravity Falls, perhaps beautiful enough for a nice game of baseball. Yeah, this is the baseball chapter alright. Anyway, Haruko hit the ball really hard, much to the opposing team's shock as it flies out of the park and towards the sky. Everyone was busy comprehending what just happened as Haruko arrogantly thanked everyone while doing a little victory dance.

"Oy, she is just too good." Stan complained as he, Dipper, Mabel, Ford, Soos, Wendy, Candy, Grenda, Pacifica, Robbie, McGucket and Waddles sat in the dugout. "I think that last one went into space." Wendy added. "Wait a minute, why are we playing baseball anyway?" Stan wondered. "I came up with that Mr. Pines." Soos answered. "You see, in many of the anime I watch, the characters would sometimes just chill out and play a nice game of baseball."

Stan was still confused. "Yeah, but why baseball anyway?" he continued on." Filler episodes dude." Soos added. "I will never understand the shows that you watch Soos. Like that weird giant robot show. Why is it that our wimpy protagonist can't seem to choose between the hot-blooded blonde Russian girl, the heavy drinker or the blue-haired clone?"

"So you made up this whole team Mabel?" Dipper asked his sister, who was wearing a baseball-themed sweater with a gnome on it, as Stan and Soos continued debating. "Yeah, I even got a mascot and everything!" she replied pointing to a man wearing a gnome-themed costume dancing around the field. The mascot took his head off to reveal a rather normal looking man black-haired man with a smile on his face. "Great work there Tad!" she said to him. "She promised me bread." he announced.

"Yes, thank you." Haruko thanked as a gnome handed her a dollar bill. "You're welcome babe, you're a great help to the Forest Freaks." the gnome replied with a Manotaur, a Gremoblin, a unicorn, a group of beautiful-looking blonde men in white and a Lilliputtian stood behind him. "Say, why are you so good at hitting anyway?" he asked Haruko. "I just have my ways Jeff." she replied. "Good to hear that!" he exclaimed as he turned to another gnome with a bushy grey beard and unaligned eyes. "Make a note of that Schmebulock."

"Schmebulock!" the other gnome exclaimed as he pulled a pen out of his beard and started scribbling on his hand. "Schmebulock." he said. "Is Schmebulock all you can say?" the Manotaur asked looking at Schmebulock's hand. "Schmebulock." he glumly replied.

"This is utter cockamamie balderdash!" Stan shouted from the dugout. "How is it that the Gravity Falls Gnomes, who have two old men with tons of fighting experience and a lumberjack's daughter who could kick ass, lose to a bunch of weirdos who don't know the first thing about baseball?"

"Maybe we need to bring out someone who knows his way around baseball." Candy replied as everyone turned to Dipper. "Yeah, Dipper can help us win!" Grenda shouted. "I-I don't know guys, I'm not all that great at this game and Haruko is like crazy good." Dipper groaned. "C'mon Dipper, we just need someone who can outmatch her." Ford said putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Alright fine." Dipper said as he picked up a bat and walked to home plate while his team chanted for him. "I'm going to die here Chutzpar, I just know it." he mumbled to the Manotaur, who was serving as umpire. "Not gonna lie, I sort of agree." Chutzpar replied.

Dipper readied his bat preparing to strike but he missed the ball. "STRIKE ONE!" Chutzpar shouted. The boy readied himself again, only to miss once more. "STRIKE TWO!" the umpire cried. He prepared to strike again, only to get knocked down by the ball. "Strike three, he's out!" Haruko exclaimed with a cheeky look on her face.

"Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark!" Wendy stated as Waddles carried Dipper back to the dugout. "You alright there, how many fingers am I holding up?" Robbie asked as he pulled out three of his fingers. "Well everybody, might as well admit defeat." Stan bluntly stated as he got up to congratulate the Forest Freaks. "We can't give up just yet Stanley!" Ford said grabbing his brother's arm. "Look over there!" He pointed to Canti as he was picking up various balls from the field.

Soon enough, Canti was practicing with the Gnomes as Soos pitched. "Wow, he's actually pretty good." Pacifica gasped in awe of the machine's skills until they all turned to notice Stan hunched over, his fingers locked together and his glasses suddenly shining. "This is it everyone, my secret weapon!" he proudly proclaimed.

As they all cheered, Dipper walked away with a stoic look on his face back to the Shack until he turned to Haruko standing over him. "That bandaged head look kinda suits you." she said. "C'mon kid, it's a compliment." Dipper, as usual, wasn't buying it. "Does it really matter anyway? Like I said, I'm not good at baseball." he replied. "Quit lying kid!" she exclaimed as she held her bass aloft. Dipper winced, thinking she was going to hit him again, but instead she put it down and got on her Vespa.

"Anyway, nothing's gonna happen unless you swing the bat." she said as she rode off, leaving Dipper to contemplate her words. "Oh yeah, forgot to tell you much earlier Dipper, but my parents got a new Medical Mechanica factory here." Pacifica said walking up behind him. "Are you okay there?"

* * *

Meanwhile in another part of town, Commander Amarao had rolled in on a Vespa with Kitsurubami, Powers, Trigger and a few other agents behind him. "Well men, this is the place." he said. "Fan out, I want the Vespa Woman brought to me by tomorrow." he ordered to the others.

"SIR YES SIR!" they all replied as they spread out across the Oregon town. Amarao did so himself as he tackled a man with a goatee wearing a red flannel shirt. "You there, what do you know about a pink-haired girl with a yellow scooter and 4001 Rickenbacker?" he inquired. "A Rickenbacker, like the one Paul McCartney has? Or was it John Lennon?" the man replied as he took notice of his interrogator's eyebrows. "Those eyebrows..."

"Don't you befuddle me with your Beatles trivia, where is she?" he demanded. "Oh yeah, I think she's hanging around the Mystery Shack." the man answered as Amarao dropped him to the ground. "Thank you good sir, now have a nice day." The agent then got back on his scooter as he rode away. "I guess he must be a fan of the rock that looks like a face rock."

* * *

"Hey everyone, I'm back." Dipper announced as he walked back into the Shack's living room to find Haruko, still in her baseball uniform, twitching uncontrollably as Stan gave her a massage while Mabel looked on. "Oh hey kid, caught us at an awkward time. Dinner's in a bit." Stan said as the girl started moaning. "Oh, it hurts! Not so rough!"

"What are you doing?" the young mystery solver asked as the moaning got louder. "Oh yes, your gristle is like baby lamb wool!" she screamed. "Old people massages are actually pretty good, don'tcha think?" she asked Dipper blushing. "You really stink, you could just change into some clean clothes." the boy said as he walked away. "And yet I can't smell your sweat, wonder why? Oh, I'm too tired to even hold a fork!"

"Why were you playing for all those creatures anyway?" Dipper asked turning to her. "They gave me good money, thought it could help with the electric bill." she replied before moaning again.

"Here Haruko, try some of this!" Stan offered her some eggs at dinner as he gulped down on some brown meat, squealing happily along the way. "Now this is what life is worth livin' for!" he exclaimed. "What are you even doing anyway?!" Dipper asked, thinking back to the Vespa Woman's first time at the Shack when she said that she needed him. "Y'know what, I'm going outside for some fresh air." He walked outside as Stan, Mabel, Haruko and Canti watched. "Geez, what's with him?" Mabel wondered.

Meanwhile outside, Dipper sat down on the front steps thinking about what had just happened. Haruko had said that very night that she needed him yet here she was getting close with his great uncle. "Excuse me young man, is this place your home?" a voice asked. Dipper turned his head to see a red-haired man with large eyebrows and a pair of sunglasses standing before him. "And it's also a tourist trap?"

"No sir, me and my sister are living here for the summer." the pine tree kid answered. "Then I guess you might know what I'm looking for, huh?" the stranger replied turning to him. "Those eyebrows..." Dipper said to himself looking at his eyebrows.

"I've heard intel about a man in a fez calling himself Stan Pines disguising as a gangster to break into a meeting of the Molehill Gang at Booby's. I'd like to speak with him." the stranger politely said. "Sorry mister, my grunkle's busy but I do have something that might be of interest to you." Dipper replied as he rushed back inside and came back out with the Firestarter in hand.

"I've been researching about an ancient being that once roamed this land and I think you might be interested." Dipper started scrolling through the page as the man watched. "See, this man has once inhabited this land and got bored one day, so he made a deal with a dream demon known as Bill Cipher to gain ultimate power and wipe out his people." He turned over the page to show the filled-in outline of Bill.

"I'm sorry kid, but this is all make-believe compared to what I've seen!" the man stated. "Listen, I'm looking for a girl with a Vespa scooter that's living here." The young detective immediately knew what this man was talking about. "Oh, you mean Haruko? She's been living here as a maid, even though all she does is mooch off my family." he said.

"So she's been hanging with you. That means she's addicted to you in a way." the man said. "Listen, she's mad I tell you. Hopefully you didn't tell many people about her, cause then you'll think smart They'll find out what you're dealing with eventually." Dipper put the parchment away in his jacket pocket as the man adjusted his shades. "Say, is there anything for sale here?"

"Thanks, I always wanted one of these." the man thanked Dipper as he got on his scooter holding a fish covered in fur. "Anyway, older women can have an effect on you, so you better be careful." The man drove away from the Shack as Dipper stood there watching while Stan and Haruko laughed wildly inside. "I got a bad feeling about this.

"So you're saying Haruko is hanging out with Grunkle Stan more despite the fact she said she needed you?" Mabel said when Dipper walked up to their room. "Exactly sis. I've been feeling that she's using us for her own agenda." he replied. "And there was also this guy with really big eyebrows that knows about her somehow."

"Wait, eyebrows?" Mabel said curiously. "Yeah, he came here looking for Stan and found me instead." Dipper replied. "How big were they?" she asked. "Like really big. I'm pretty sure they're not ever real!" he replied. "Going off topic here, but is it okay if I call you Takkun like what Haruko does?"

"No."

* * *

"Batting practice at sunset?" Haruko asked later that evening outside the gift shop. "Do you want me to be your coach?" she added as Dipper strolled away from her. "No, please." he replied. "I can teach you how." she said. "Just go away and keep doing crazy things with my uncle." he replied hiding behind the totem pole. "We're in this together Pine Tree." Haruko said as his grunkle's head dropped on the ground, much to his shock. Then suddenly, Mabel's head was behind him as well. "Your head is the only one that works Takkun." she stated as she held the boy's head in her arms and then back on his body. "You'll hit a homerun soon. Promise."

Later, Dipper stood outside holding a baseball bat with Haruko watching him. "Yeah, that's the right stance." she said. "Buuut, you have to swing the bat!" Just then, Ford walked outside all bleary-eyed and his hair very unkempt. "Pardon me for being rude kids," he said. "but what are you doing at 3:00am?"

"She's helping me with batting practice Ford." Dipper replied before Haruko laid herself all over him. "Hit it into the sky, don't hold back." she continued. "Before he swings the bat, a real slugger imagines an arc inside his heart, arching directly to heaven." She took hold of the boy's arms and made him point the bat towards a flickering star. "I think that star would make a great target." Ford said. "Yeah, but why is it blinking like that?"

* * *

Meanwhile in a secluded part of town, the agents had made their temporary base in an abandoned house with Kitsurubami, Powers and Trigger supervising them. "Alright, put it up on screen." Powers ordered as the image changed from static to a large satellite circling the Earth. "Kitsurubami, analyze."

"It's been ten hours since impact." she announced. "We have experienced a total loss of control after it caused irreparable damage to sectors six through eighteen and displaced all three antennas including the spare." As she continued explaining, the image of the satellite was enhanced until a baseball was spotted within it. "It made a quantum leap into the central processing sector and scored a direct hit on the core unit. This is Satellite Geo-Saki, it's proceeding with its self-programmed attack."

The three government officials turned towards their superior Amarao examining the fur trout he received from the Mystery Shack. "Is everything alright Commander Amarao?" Trigger wondered. "It's nothing, I just can't help but wonder what fur this is supposed to be from." Amarao replied handing the fish to the three. "I have a feeling it might be from some kind of grizzly bear."

"Those eyebrows..." the agents and lieutenant thought. "So when's it gonna fall?!" their superior exclaimed. "Commander, sir!" a scientist exclaimed rushing into the room before standing in attention. "We have good news on the statue of Diamond Brandy you have told us about!" he stated.

"Wait, Diamond Brandy?" Kitsurubami wondered looking at the scientist. "Amarao has gotten word from a young boy staying at 618 Gopher Road that there is a statue of a powerful vampire wizard that we have dug up." he explained to the others. "Good work Dr. Hubert." Amarao thanked him before leading his companions to the lab. "Seriously, I still feel like we've been to that Gopher Road place before." Powers whispered to Trigger. "Maybe we came there in like, another life or something weird like that."

"So Stuart, how's the life goin'?" another scientist in the lab asked chatting with his partner as he turned on some UV lights. "Oh y'know Ken, my fiancee left me, my mom died, dad got deported, but I got a sweet car last month!" Stuart replied. Just then, Amarao, Kitsurubami, Powers, Trigger and Hubert stepped into the lab. "Commander Amarao, sir!" the two shouted saluting him. "So boys, how goes researching that statue?" Hubert asked stepping forward. "We seem to have uncovered something...peculiar." Ken answered. "There is a hole on his forehead that only showed up when we collected it. Have a look-see."

Hubert stepped forward, staring deep within the hole as an air of dread crawled all over him. Suddenly, a large drill popped out impaling him in his forehead. "He has a horn!" Stuart cried out in horror. "And he's waking up!" Ken replied. "Quick, bring out more UV lamps!" he ordered. "YES SIR!" The statue began to crack more and more until a hulking figure with long blonde hair was revealed underneath. Diamond Brandy was reborn and boy was he hungry. The drill began to rip apart many of the other scientists, coating the UV lamps in blood.

"I can't believe it, he's still alive!" Trigger screamed in fear as the vampire burst from his prison. "And he's using human blood to block out the light!" Kitsurubami added. As Diamond Brandy stepped down, he gazed at the remaining mortals. "Hm, it seems the world has changed quite a bit while I was asleep." he said to himself. "Your modern technology proves no match for the last of the Pole People!"

"Stay back monster!" the armored security guards exclaimed as they charged into the lab, pointing their weapons at him. "Zuhohoho, feeding time." Brandy chuckled to himself as time slowed to a stop. He waltzed around the guards like a flash of light to them until time was restored to normal, and that's when they realized his true power.

"Commander, my hands!" One of the guards screamed in horror as he laid eyes upon his fingers being locked together with a scientist's, along with all of the other guards and scientists. "THEY'RE STUCK TOGETHER!" they all shouted. "Someone, do something!" Amarao shouted before Kitsurubami fired her anti-tank rifle at Brandy, only for it to to fail as he grabbed the bullet in his hands and poked it, transforming it into a large cricket which hopped away.

"You won't get away with this you abomination!" a scientist hollered before Diamond appeared right before his eyes and jabbed his drill into his forehead, reducing him and the others into lumps of flesh. "I think it's time for a new look. Allow me to change into something more...comfortable." the monster announced before telekinetically bringing forth the blood of his victims and making it surround him like a cocoon.

"Somebody, shoot him!" Powers exclaimed pointing at the blood cocoon. "We already tried that, and now looked what happened!" Kitsurubami shouted in reply pointing towards the giant cricket that was menacing Stuart and Ken. The cocoon suddenly burst open, revealing Diamond Brandy now bare-chested and wearing a long flowing red cape and white hakama pants. "Ah, so much better." the demon stated proudly looking around before turning to the two scientists.

"Please spare us sir!" Stuart cried as he and Ken held each other close, quivering in fear. "We'll do anything to stay alive! Anything!" Ken added as a few tears appeared in his eyes. "Anything?" Diamond said stroking his chin. "I know. I will let you two live, but in exchange you will serve me for all eternity!" he exclaimed as he made his fingertips light up and he tapped the two on their foreheads. Their forms contorted wildly as they screamed in pain until their skin turned pale blue and their labcoats were replaced with clothing just as wild as their new master's.

"From now on, the mortals who call themselves Stuart Dooley and Ken Simpson are dead!" the monster proclaimed as they rose from the ground, smiling evilly. "In their place are my new minions, Stinger and Loggken!" The three of them struck a pose as the four government officials stepped away before running for the hills. "Don't think you can get away so easily!" the two newborn beasts chanted in unison before raising their hands skyward. "RIPPLE!" Just then, the old house started cracking like glass as it began to fade from reality.

"Wait a minute, they can warp reality?!" Agent Trigger exclaimed as they kept running for the front door. "That boy never mentioned anything about that in his paper!" Amarao replied. "Enough about some random kid, we have to run!" Powers and Kitsurubami shouted as they got closer to the door. They jumped out in the nick of time as the house caved in, falling into a hole in space before zipping itself closed.

"That was insane! My life hasn't been at that much risk since the Arcadia Bay case!" Trigger wheezed getting up. "Apparently these so-called Pole People are more powerful than we thought." Kitsurubami replied. "They can use incredibly powerful magic to slaughter lower beings and have the power of mind control! What do we do now?"

The two then turned to Powers and Amarao looking off into the distance through the forest and at a hovel of a shop. "Easy." Powers said. "We find someone who knows and can stop him. And we're also gonna need some new men and a new base."

* * *

Dipper woke up in his bed to find Mabel cuddling Waddles in her bed but Haruko was nowhere to be found. "Where is she anyway?" he wondered as he walked down the stairs to search for her. He combed the entire house from the spare room that Ford was sleeping in to the kitchen where he found Canti washing dishes. "Hey Canti, have you seen Haruko anywhere?" he asked the Medical Machine, who shrugged in reply before returning to what he was doing.

"C'mon Haruko, where are you?" Dipper groaned as he got more tired. Suddenly a bright light coming from the vending machine caught his eye. Punching in the code, going downstairs and taking the elevator to the lab, he tiptoed around until he found Haruko playing with the Eyes of Heaven mask Ford told him about. "What is she doing now?" he wondered before the gleam of the red jewel on its forehead pointed at his forehead, sending him into a frenzy.

"Just as I thought! 618 Gopher Road!" Amarao meanwhile declared in the forest. "Come along everyone, we got a world to save." he proclaimed to his subordinates. "Eyebrows!"

* * *

The next day, it was time for baseball again as the Gnomes cheered for Canti when he stepped up to the mound."Yah can do it TV-bot!" McGucket hollered. "Yeah, give 'em what for!" Candy added as they all started laughing. Meanwhile, Dipper and Wendy were sitting on the Shack's front steps discussing what happened yesterday. "So some government guys say that Haruko's a loose cannon?" Wendy wondered. "Yeah, he came to me looking for Stan and then he started talking about her when I showed him the Firestarter." Dipper responded as Haruko pulled up in front of them on her Vespa.

"Hey, the game's already started you two." Haruko said. "Are you just gonna sit around doing perverted stuff?" she asked. "We're not doing perverted stuff Haruko, you're just insane." Dipper bluntly replied. "C'mon kid, today's the day you get to swing the bat." the Vespa woman added. "I'm not sure Haruko," Wendy said looking at her younger friend. "Dipper really isn't the type to swing the bat."

"I'm not good at baseball." Dipper said. "Ah well, it is Canti's first game after all." Haruko replied. "Oh that's right, we got Lord Canti on our team now!" Wendy exclaimed getting up and sitting behind her on the Vespa. "See ya later dude!" she called to her friend as they drove off. "Have fun." the boy solemnly replied as he walked back inside.

Back inside the shack, Dipper walked into the living room to a horrifying site, his great uncle lying dead on the ground with the TV smashed in beside him. "Oh my gosh Grunkle Stan, are you alright?!" he panicked. "Who did this to you, what happened here?! I'll call an ambulance!" Looking over what had happened, he heard a noise and turned around to find the elderly con artist sitting at the table surprisingly looking fine. "But, how?" the boy wondered. "What's the matter Dipper? You look like you've seen a ghost." Stan said turning to his great nephew. "Is-is everything okay?"

"Naw, I'm fine kid." the uncle replied. "It's just that Haruko and I have built a special kind of relationship over these past few chapters." He turned to Dipper almost robot-like. "W-what kind?" Dipper asked again. "MOUTH TO MOUTH." Stan replied in a creepy sounding voice as Haruko's head, now wearing mouse ears, popped out of his mouth. "MOUSE!"

"Because I need you." Haruko's words began echoing throughout his mind as various images of Waddles chasing a tiny version of her played. "It has to be this way Takkun. That's how life works, sometimes you're the cat and sometimes you're the mouse."

"She-she once ssssaid something about h-how she needed-needed you Dipper." Stan started talking almost like a glitched-out robot as he walked towards Dipper. "Or something like thaaaaat."

"STOP IT ALREADY!" Dipper finally yelled as he hit his grunkle in the head with the baseball bat he was carrying and breaking the TV as well. When everything returned to reality, the boy realized that he was the one that did it.

* * *

Meanwhile back at the baseball field, Haruko had scored another point for the Forest Freaks knocking out Canti along the way, once again to the shock of the Gravity Falls Gnomes. "Wow dudes, even with Canti we're still getting murdered out there." Soos declared as McGucket, Grenda and Robbie examined their fallen teammate. "She's probably doing it on purpose just to screw with us." Wendy responded. Just then, a siren sounded as Haruko turned her gaze skyward to notice a large dirigible flying over them.

"A state of emergency has been declared in Gravity Falls." a voice declared. "All citizens evacuate immediately. I repeat, all citizens evacuate."

"Dipper Pines, age 12, student of Eggbert Elementary School in Piedmont, California, brother of Mabel Danielle Pines, son of Alexander and Danielle Pines, great nephew of Stanley Danley Pines, whom for thirty years imitated his brother Stanford Filbrick Pines after he was lost in another dimension for thirty years. Prefers to keep his first name a secret." Amarao spoke as he sat with Dipper in a dark room. "A few days ago, a mysterious woman calling herself Haruko Haruhara had taken up residence at your temporary residence of 618 Gopher Road. Y'know, a baguette would've hit harder."

"Listen sir, I didn't intend on hurting my grunkle!" Dipper claimed. "He was already knocked out when I found him and suddenly he was sitting down at a table all in one piece! He then started talking about how he's really got along with Haruko and and and-" The boy started frantically hyperventilating when Amarao put an end to it. "Simmer down kid." the large browed government agent said. "Here, have a drink." He gave Dipper a cup of tea and started putting in a few sugar cubes. "Heard you're not a big fan of spicy things. I can relate."

"Like I said, I didn't intend on hitting him! I was just really freaked out. But thanks anyway." Dipper responded taking the drink. "I've only heard stories about Stan and his criminal record, from pug trafficking, con artistry across multiple states, llamacide, helping transport of illegal goods, etc." Amarao stated. "But Haruhara is him times eleven. She'll manipulate anyone to her whim to help her achieve her goals. But here she is as the object of affection for you and your uncle."

"Wait, are you implying that Stan might have the hots for Haruko?!" Dipper exclaimed spitting out his drink. "But he's pushing sixty and she's like 19 or something!" The boy was briefly taken aback by this revelation until he noticed he spat out his drink all over Amarao. "I am so sorry man, let me help you clean that up!" he stuttered trying to search for a towel. "No need Pines, I got it covered." he replied pulling a napkin from his suit and wiping off his face.

"So you refer to Haruhara by her first name. Are you two close?" Amarao asked. "I'm not really a big fan of her." Dipper replied. "She's your batting coach, right?" his interrogator added. "Kind of." the boy replied. "Do you like her swing?" the older man continued on. "I told you, I didn't intend on it! Haruko has nothing to do with this!" Dipper responded. "Then why? Because you were jealous?"

Dipper was too embarrassed to respond. "I've got a big question for you, did she ever mention anything about the Galaxy Space Police Brotherhood or the Pirate King Atomsk?" Amarao inquired. "Make sure you don't tell anyone about our little chat because it's very important, that includes your family as well."

"Okay, thank you sir. I didn't really get your name." Dipper said. "I'm Commander Amarao of the US government's Department of Interstellar Immigration. Thank you for your time boy." he replied, but Dipper was already too distracted by his eyebrows. "Eyebrows." he mumbled. "What was that about my eyebrows squirt?!" Amarao barked. "Nothing."

* * *

"A state of emergency has been declared in Gravity Falls." the voice from the blimp continued later that day over the deserted town. "All citizens evacuate immediately. No need to run like hell, please proceed in an orderly fashion."

Dipper had arrived home to find his great uncle's dead body yet again but now Waddles started sniffing it. "What is it Waddles?" he asked the pig, who oinked in reply. "You're saying this isn't the real Grunkle Stan?" he continued. "Then where is he?"

Waddles led his master's brother to the boiler room across from Ford's bedroom, which contained an unplugged Tumbleweed Terror machine, a television, mattress and more but the item that caught their eye was the trash can which let off a familiar smell. Taking off the lid, Dipper found nothing except the shriveled up body of Stan, stripped down to his underclothes, staring right at him.

Screaming as loud as he can, Dipper rushed his uncle to the bathroom where he tossed him in the bathtub and turned on the water. "C'mon Stan, wake up wake up!" he cried. During this process, he started seeing images of Mabel being hoisted into the air by Canti on the water tower.

"Check it out everyone, I'm king of the world!" Mabel exclaimed as the Medical Machine held her high. "I always wanted to do that, thanks Canti!" Just then, Haruko zoomed on her Vespa below them, much to her surprise. "What's Haruko doing in such a rush?"

Meanwhile back at the Shack, Dipper had brought Stan back to normal after dumping a few buckets of water on him. "Oy, what just happened?" the elderly con artist woozily asked. "And what smells like a dead body?" Dipper was too busy dumping water on him to reply. "I guess I wasn't good enough for Haruko. She asked if she could use my head and I was happy to oblige, but I guess I died for a bit." That's when the child remembered some more words Amarao said to him.

"N.O uses the left and right brain's distinct thought processes to open up an interdimensional channel capable of transporting things, sometimes from light-years away in an instant." he stated. "But she can't use just anyone's head, you gotta find the right one."

"Grunkle Stan," Dipper said to him. "I think Haruko might be using us for her own plans, and she wants my head." Stan, continuing to pour water on himself, agreed. "You might be right, Haruko is not your ordinary houseguest." As if they spoke of the devil, the Rickenbacker babe barged through the door on her scooter and running over the other Stan, much to the two's surprise.

"What you encountered was a high-tech mannequin that was created to look like your great uncle." Amarao continued. "The equivalent of a vending machine. When the chips are down, few people can really swing the bat. Right now there's a satellite carrying a bomb heading straight for this town. This evacuation is pretty much pointless since nobody will survive the impact. I want you to go home and tell her, tell her to swing one more out of the park. Tell her it's a request from a hometown fan."

"Yo." Haruko greeted the two as Dipper picked up the fake Stan's head. "What's with this robo-Stan anyway?" he asked. "Who are you really?" After a moment of blankly staring at the two, Haruko replied rather fabulously. "I'm an illusion of your youth, the manifestation of the feelings in your adolescent heart!"

"Where did you get that crazy line, one of Soos' anime?" the lad asked again. "Anyway, there's a satellite falling from Earth's orbit that will kill us all once it reaches here." Just then, Ford burst into the living room as well in a panic. "Dipper, thank goodness you're still here!" he exclaimed. "Listen, we have to leave immediately because a government satellite is falling from the sky and is headed for here! I think we should all move to Ontario and become doctor-lawyer-scientists!" He then turned his attention to what's left of the robot replica of his brother. "Not even going to ask."

"A double header takes a lot out of you." Haruko stated. "Tell the hometown fan it's going to be expensive." Ford was uneasy about this. "Wait, she's going to help us stop that satellite? But she might just give up and leave us all for dead!" Stan on the other hand was angered by his smarter brother's words. "Listen you stupid genius, Haruko knows her way around this stuff so if you think she's still untrustworthy, then you can just do it yourself and be the hero everyone says you are!"

"Ugh, fine." Ford groaned turning to her. "So what do you say, reluctant partners?" he asked extending his hands. "Reluctant partners Doc Brown." she replied shaking his hand.

* * *

"I say we file a complaint!" Kitsurubami exclaimed as she, Amarao, Powers and Trigger met at the diner. Trigger was currently on the phone speaking with the government about replacement soldiers and a new base. "No, the satellite bomb was our secret backup plan in case of dire emergency." Amarao responded. "We can't let it go public. She really is a terror, that Raharu."

"Raharu?" Powers wondered as his superior pulled out a picture of Mabel and Haruko wearing matching sweaters. "Haruha Raharu." he replied. "Her plan is to penetrate us, the foreign embassy and the Medical Mechanica. That's why she made this whole thing happen."

"And she's willing to kill hundreds just to get her way." Trigger thought getting off the phone as they spotted Haruko & Dipper on her Vespa with Stan and Ford driving close behind. "Those poor kids." Just then, the waitress showed up at their table opening her closed eye. "So, any of you want something?" she asked. "We'll take four coffee omelets to go please." Kitsurubami answered.

* * *

Dipper's forehead began blinking again as his pine tree hat flew off his head. "Whoa, I think there might be another robot coming!" he cried. "Don't fret kid, Medical Mechanica is just up ahead!" Ford responded pointing towards the factory. "Why the Jekyll does it look like a giant clothes iron?" Stan added.

"Whoa!" Mabel gasped as the satellite moved closer to the town. "Hey Canti, do you think that satellite looks like the Satellite of Love?" she asked her robot companion, who just shrugged in reply before noticing a red blinking light atop Medical Mechanica, and the girl noticed it too. "Hey, that must be Dipper!" she exclaimed. "But what's he doing up there? C'mon Canti, we gotta get over there!" The machine nodded as she hopped on his shoulders and flew off.

"Isn't this where it's heading?" Dipper wondered as he sat atop the robot plant. "By my calculations, this location would take the least damage." Ford explained examining the current location of the satellite. "Thanks for being a nerd man, now here we go!" Haruko said as she placed a cloth around Dipper's head and started pressing on his scalp. "Hey, what're you doing to me?" he groaned as she started digging around. "Just hold still!" she said continuing on with her task.

"What is she even doing?" the Stan twins said in unison. "Ha, you owe me a beer if we survive! Ha, you owe me two beers if we survive! Now you owe me three beers!" they exclaimed. "Okay, I think we should-hey, quit saying what I'm saying!" Just then, Canti came flying in with Mabel on his head. "Hey everyone, what's up?" she called as he landed before them. "Oh, we're just trying to save the town from a satellite that's going to crash and kill us all!" Ford replied.

"Hey, I didn't know boys were this sensitive here!" Haruko stated as she continued with Dipper's head. "Please, stop touching me there!" the boy replied before she began pulling out a red object. "Well what're you waitin' for, pop it already!" the Vespa woman struggled pulling on it. "If I rush, it won't pop! Please start going slow!" Dipper cried still groaning before she finally pulled out the object, revealing itself to be a Gibson Flying V. "What is that?" he asked gazing at it. "It's your 'bat'." she replied. "Wait a minute, that's a Gibson Flying V!" Stan exclaimed. "Just like Albert King!" Ford added.

"Impressive." Kitsurubami moaned as her nose started bleeding while the four government agents watched the event from afar. "Does Haruko really think that kid is going to save us all?" Agent Powers inquired. "Does everyone back at base have the lowdown?" Trigger spoke into his earpiece. "Positive Trigger, we have cameras all over Gravity Falls!" a female agent back at Washington stated, her nose bleeding as well. "Tracking altitude, now entering final descent!"

"Purge sequence initiate!" another bloody-nosed agent ordered as the satellite began falling apart and rocketing towards Gravity Falls, making the sky glow various colors. "It's entering the lower atmosphere!"

"It's getting closer everyone, get behind Canti!" Ford exclaimed as he, Stan and Mabel did so. "Now if you do it like I showed you, it'll be perfect." Haruko said holding Dipper close to her. "It's okay?" he responded before they all turned to it. "Hey here it comes, keep your eye on it kid! Ready?" she exclaimed as the satellite got closer. "That boy is..." Kitsurubami exclaimed. "That kid will never pull it off!" Amarao finished her sentence. "Impact is imminent!" the woman back at Washington announced as the satellite turned into a giant hand and then immediately fell apart.

"What, but that's impossible!" Dipper exclaimed. "Haruko? Haruko!" He looked around for her but returned his attention to the giant machine headed straight for him. "It's spinning!" Powers shouted. "It's a sinker!" Trigger added. As the object, now turned into a giant sphere, got closer to Dipper, time somehow came to a complete stop followed by the sky around him shattering like glass as three figures flew down.

"Ah, I see the bearer of Atomsk's Horn is here." the first figure wearing a red cape said. "And it's a little boy too!" the second one in a white haramaki sash added. "Who would've guessed?" the third with hair like fire exclaimed. "Wait, who are you freaks?" Ford exclaimed looking at the three. "No, that's impossible! He should be dead!" he muttered fearfully. "What're you talkin' about?" Stan asked. "IT'S DIAMOND BRANDY!" his brother screamed in horror. "Ah, at last somebody recognizes me." Diamond Brandy pridefully announced chuckling. "And you must be the one who took my treasured mask."

"I'll never hand over the Eyes of Heaven you heathen!" the scientist boldly stated glaring at Brandy's two new minions. "Listen to us old man, hand it over or we'll turn your flesh into a fine quiche!" the one in the haramaki sash cackled madly. "No, I think we should turn him into a fine stew." the firehead rebutted. "Stews are for foolish mortals, I say we make him into a quiche!" his partner exclaimed. Before they could continue debating, Canti gave them what for by beating them both up. "I'm still saying quiche!"

"ENOUGH YOU TWO IDIOTS!" Brandy angrily bellowed before turning his attention to Dipper. "So you want to 'swing the bat', am I right?" he purred. "Uh, yeah." the boy replied sheepishly. "Well then, allow me to help you. Stinger, Loggken, get over here!" The two rose up and floated over to their master, hugging each other as they began to glow. Eventually Brandy started glowing when he joined in on the hug and they all formed into a titan of insane power. "Now then, play ball." the beast said as he flew behind the sphere and time restarted.

"SATELLITE SMASH!" he screamed as he pushed it closer to Dipper, who was howling in terror. "Takkun!" he finally shouted, which caused the symbol from chapter 2 to appear on Canti's screen again as well as his forehead. "Maybe when the chips are down, he's too scared to swing the bat." Haruko said as she zipped down the building on her Vespa. "Depending on what happens here, to all the folks reading this, sayonara!" She said her goodbyes to the readers before noticing that all the lights turned on and shined incredibly brightly as Dipper struggled to hit the sphere being pushed by the fusion of Diamond Brandy, Stinger and Loggken when suddenly, his "bat" set on fire. "What?!" he exclaimed.

"It's pushing him back!" Kitsurubami shouted. "He swung the bat." Amarao said. Dipper continued to struggle as the "bat" continued burning brightly. "Wait, is that..." the titan exclaimed as his form began to distort. "It can't be!" Just then, the sphere stopping spinning as it started pulsing. "Oh no, it's going to blow up!" Trigger exclaimed as it prepared to self-destruct. Dipper watched in horror as he prepared to meet his fate when suddenly, Haruko jumped into the air, Rickenbacker in hand and slammed it as well.

"NO...NO!" the titan screamed before finally defusing, leaving Diamond Brandy to be launched into the air while Stinger and Loggken started glowing, somehow turning back into the scientists Stuart and Ken from earlier this chapter. The impact started shaking up the town something fierce, causing various small earthquakes as the sky reverted to blue and Brandy was propelled skyward, screaming along the way.

"I-I can't believe it." Stan gasped in awe. "Dipper..." Ford added. "He finally swung the bat!" Mabel cheered as she ran out and hugged her brother. "You did it Dipper, we're all alive!" she cried before noticing that Dipper was rendered unconscious. "Think we should let him rest sweetie." Stan said to his great-niece as he came to her side. "And maybe we should find where those two idiots should go." he added pointing to Stuart and Ken, who were laughing wildly and hugging. "I can't believe we're still alive!" Stuart cried. "Thank you guys!" Ken thanked the Pines family. "Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"How about we bring you back to where you belong?" Ford offered. "That'd be great! We work for the Department of Interstellar Immigration." Stuart said.

* * *

Before anyone knew it, it was finally over. Haruko was driving back to the Mystery Shack on her Vespa with Dipper sleeping beneath her and Mabel clinging onto her back. Stan, Ford & Canti followed behind on the Stanleymobile with Stuart and Ken with them. "What did I tell you Ford, she is pretty trustworthy." Stan said to his brother. "Okay, you're sort of right about that, but I can't help but feel she's got bigger plans for us." Ford said. "Diamond Brandy is now brought back to life and he knows about Dipper's horn. I think we should try and keep the kids safe from him at all costs." The trickster didn't listen as he continued driving. "You're not even listening are you?"

"Hey, if you guys pass by a red-haired man with big eyebrows and his partners, they're with us." Stuart said from the backseat. "In fact, they there are right now!" Ken added pointing to Amarao, Kitsurubami, Powers and Trigger standing on the side of the road. "Oh no, not those two guys." Stan whispered. "Thankfully we wiped all their memories of your case, so we might be in the clear." Ford responded as they exited the car.

"Greetings friendly neighborhood law enforcers!" Stan greeted them nervously. "Are these the nutty professors you're looking for?" he asked. "Yes indeed they are sir," Powers answered. "last we saw of them, they've been brainwashed by a mad god-wannabe into becoming his minions and now, here they are." The two scientists were happy to see their superiors again. "We really missed you guys!" Ken said as hugged Powers incredibly tight. "Please get off of me Simpson." he groaned. "I think it looks like we need to take you two back to Washington for extensive rehabilitation."

"We'll be back with more men, but you two are on your own from here on out. Good luck." Trigger added as they walked away with the scientists, who waved farewell. "Thank you Ronald." Amarao said before turning back to Stan. "I've got my eye on you Pines." he coldly stated to the elder. Stan reacted by slowly stepping backwards before returning to the car.

As they all drove back home, Haruko looked down at Dipper before starting to laugh wildly. "Crisis report." Amarao said. "All systems functioning online and normally. The satellite achieved escape velocity at gamma-four." Kitsurubami replied. "Bomb neutralized, satellite en-route to galaxies unknown!"

"Drat." Amarao grumbled as one of his eyebrows fell off, much to his companion's shock.

* * *

Meanwhile in the deepest recesses of space, the satellite drifted throughout the cosmos with Diamond Brandy still clinging on to it. "He has...Firestarter." he thought to himself.

"He will...BE MINE." He cracked an evil smile despite being frozen from the cold of space, as he began concocting another plan.

* * *

Hey dudes, Soos here! Wow, only two chapters left and this'll all be over! Anyway, big shout out to a user named The Tell-Tale Man for being such a great reviewer.

Anyway, join us next time for Fooly Falls chapter 5. It's gonna be like a John Woo film, just you wait!


	5. Don't Lose Your Way

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter 5: Don't Lose Your Way**

* * *

"Ah, another fine day in this dirty riff-raff town." Preston Northwest said to himself as he overlooked Gravity Falls from his office window. "Perhaps I should've started out somewhere nice like Colorado." he added before he heard the door open. "Mr. Northwest, sir!" an employee exclaimed as he rushed in.

"We seem to have obtained security footage from our Medical Mechanica factory last night!" he explained, which caught Preston's eye. He turned around in his chair to face his employee, only to find himself spinning in it. "Oh not again, can someone stop this chair?" the billionaire groaned before his butler grabbed hold of the back. "Thank you Phineas." he thanked getting up.

"Alright Lawrence, show me the footage." Lawrence turned on a screen to show footage of a group of individuals standing atop the factory. "Last night, two children accompanied by a pair of senior citizens, a Medical Machine and a girl with a Vespa bike have trespassed on factory grounds during the D.I.I's Satellite Geo-Saki's collision course with this town. Much later on, the footage started giving out as three more people appeared before it cut to static."

"Wait a minute, rewind and zoom in on the one with the guitar." Preston ordered as Lawrence did just that, focusing on a boy that was all too familiar to the philanthropist. "Oh goody," he grimaced. "you."

* * *

Dipper, Mabel and Ford were sitting down in the living room watching an episode of Ducktective. "I don't get it, what's the appeal of this series?" Ford wondered as the show's title character and his partner the constable solved another case. "The creator was inspired by his childhood where he and his pet duck would solve mysteries together." Mabel replied. "Yeah, and he also made this with the whole family in mind." Dipper added. "Silly jokes & fun adventure for the kids and some witty humor for the parents."

Just then, they heard Haruko yowling as Stan came crashing down from the ceiling. "Hey, what's going on here?!" Dipper shouted to Haruko before turning to his grunkle, who was wearing a red jacket for some reason. "Aw come on babe, play nice now." Stan muttered woozily, still reeling from the fall. "NOT IN A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS WILL EVER GET ANYTHING FROM ME EXCEPT TONS OF BULLETS TO THE FACE YOU OLD COOT!" Haruko screamed as she fired at Stan with a rifle. "Hey, calm down there!" he exclaimed in reply.

"What's with the red jacket Grunkle Stan?" Dipper wondered. "Oh, I got it from another one of Soos' anime. I think it's called The Wolf, about a cool thief with a love for the ladies." Stan explained as we then cut to Canti washing dishes. "This was the jacket he started out with and a favorite of the original author Simian Slam. What, do you prefer the green one from Palace of Shamballa?"

"Okay, I'm going up there to give her what's what." Dipper sternly proclaimed before marching up the stairs and opening the door to their attic room only to lay his eyes upon Haruko wearing nothing but a pink bath towel and shaking Gompers the goat in her arms.

"What, are you saying I have personal feelings for that kid?" she asked the goat, who bleated in reply. "I don't think so! The reason this mission has been delayed because the channel to N.O isn't open!" As she continued speaking to Gompers, Dipper watched in shock as she waved her butt in his face. "It's not about liking or disliking! Damn, the connection's dead." When she tossed Gompers to the ground, she turned towards Dipper smiling. "Oh my, were you listening?" she asked him. "Can you please put on some clothes? Puberty is pretty crazy you know." the boy replied shielding his eyes.

"How's this?!" the Vespa woman exclaimed now dressed like Elvis Presley, complete with large pompadour while a chalkboard appeared behind her. "I meant normal clothes. And where did you get that board?" he said. "HARUKO'S MASTER THE GUITAR IN ONE MILLISECOND CLASS, YEAH! SIGN UP NOW!" she hollered. "I think this is the part where I lose my mind." Dipper said turning to the readers before he got fired at by Haruko with her rifle. "Grab a guitar and you can be a pop idol!" Haruko shouted some more. "Chicks dig it dude, pyon!"

"Pyon?" her younger friend questioned. "Like Filter, or Slash!" she continued on as her pompadour and her head got bigger. "Like Red Hot Chilli Peppers or Rage against the Machine or Richard Gene!" she screamed as her head became as big as the attic could take it. "Wait a minute, Richard Gene isn't a-" Dipper began before getting shot at again.

"You have to learn to say it like a cool rock dude pyon! Guys like Jimi Hendrix all started out like this!" she explained loudly before spinning her bass like a helicopter blade and hovering in the air. "Haruko wait! What's going on?!" Dipper exclaimed before getting shoved into his bed with Haruko on top of him, now back in her bath towel. "You know it's dangerous to wave that thing around like that." he stated blushing. "Use your guitar again Takkun, just one more time." she purred. "Speaking of which, that was fantastic last night."

"Not interested right now, now can let me go already?" Dipper responded. "I should teach you how to be a man Takkun." Haruko giggled. "Yeah, like you know how!" he snapped back before he was shoved into her face by his horn until they locked lips, and conveniently enough Mabel & Stan walked in on them. "Aha, I knew it all along!" Mabel cheered as she started taking pictures. "Wendy owes me big time!" The old trickster on the other hand was completely stunned as his face went red, then blue and every other color of the rainbow.

"Oh Takkun, that's more like it!" Haruko said. "No, this isn't what it looks like! It was my horn!" Dipper tried to make something up. "First kiss, good one!" she replied. "Liar, our first "kiss" was technically the first time we met when you gave me CPR!" he snapped back before Stan let out a mighty roar. "I can't believe it Takkun, you've been havin' sexy times with a hot chick and didn't bother to tell me!" he exclaimed. "And what's worse, that's my partner you were smooching!"

"Like I said, it was my horn!" Dipper tried to defend himself before getting shot at by his great uncle. "That's it kid, you're grounded." Stan finally said whipping out a pistol. "And by grounded, I mean I'm putting you six feet under! We shall have a duel to the finish, winner gets Haruko's love and a box of Mrs. Pell's Fishsticks." he announced. "I'm for it!" Haruko interjected raising her hand. "You know what, forget the duel! My weapon's yours Haruko!" he exclaimed leaping out of his clothes before getting slammed into the wall by a boxing glove that came out of nowhere.

* * *

Later that day outside the Mystery Shack, the duel between great-nephew and great-uncle was about to begin. On one side were the twins & Haruko while the other side was Stan, Canti and Soos. "What's the matter kid, too chicken as usual?" Stan, dressed as some sort of heavy weapons guy, boldly proclaimed.

"C'mon, show yourself and fight me like a true man!"

As Dipper was hiding in the tall grass, Haruko snuck up on him and tangled around him like a snake much to his displeasure. "What are you doing Haruko!" he exclaimed. "Aw come on bro-bro, Team HaruDip has to get along so that we can win." Mabel said. "I even made team sweaters for everyone!" She was currently wearing a yellow sweater with the P symbol from Haruko's Vespa and a blue pine tree on it. "This is no time for sweaters Mabel, one of us might be killed by our own uncle out here!" he replied.

"Are you sure about this Mr. Pines?" Soos stuttered as he tugged on the dogtags and red T-shirt he was now wearing. "I mean, it's perfectly normal for a little boy to have the hots for an older girl. Like when Dipper had that crush on Wendy." he explained. "Not right now Soos, it's the principle of the thing!" his boss replied. "Oh Takkun, save me!" Haruko moaned from afar as she continued smothering Dipper. "Now's your chance Soos, fire!"

"I'm so sorry dudes!" Soos winced before he fired at the opposing team. "You better not be eating those fishsticks Ford, they're for the winner!" Stan called to his brother sitting on the porch, who already ate one. "Uh, they're all here Stanley!" Ford replied trying to hide the fishstick he ate before taking notice of a small car near the shack which a woman rose out of. "Can I help you miss?"

"Target sighted commander! It's blue, I repeat blue!" she spoke into a cellphone as she picked up an anti-tank rifle and aimed it at Canti. "Are you sure it isn't red Kitsurubami?" a voice on the other end asked, which happened to be Commander Amarao at a hair salon. "So the blue is confirmed then? I already have the unofficial consent of both Medical Mechanica and this town's resident billionaire Preston Northwest so we'll take care of it here so they can't interfere."

As he put down the phone, everything turned into something out of an adult cartoon from 1997. "I have work to do so let's make it quick!" he said. "Okay, but I wanted to look cool, you know what I mean, in a manly charming grown-up kind of way!" He picked up the phone again to contact Kitsurubami. "If we screw up here, Medical Mechanica will be all over us! Just forget Raharu, she'll just complicate everything! Just take care of yourself til I get there."

"You know, more mature-looking, something a woman that I haven't seen in a long time would think 'This guy really is a hero but also nurturing and supportive', something like that. That's what I'm looking for." he turned back to his hairdresser before taking notice of a boy in a chair next to him receiving some candy. "Oh, don't I get one of those candies? I prefer the super sweet ones, the sweetest ones if you know what I mean."

Dipper was charging into battle with his twin pistols before firing at and pouncing on what seemed to be his grunkle before he learned it was one of many traps set by him. "Y'know for a smart kid, you're easy to fool!" Stan boasted from afar as the boy continued falling into his traps. "They seem to be playing some kind of game. Looks really stupid, I'm sure I can handle this myself. " Amarao's right-hand woman continued analyzing the scene as she peered through the scope of her firearm. "Hm, who's the girl he hasn't seen in so long?"

"What are you two doing just laying around, you should be helping me!" Dipper complained as he landed back into Mabel and Haruko's hiding spot. "My guitar isn't plugged in." Haruko replied pulling out her Rickenbacker. "Don't ask bro-bro, even I don't know why she brought it along." Mabel added.

"Are you crazy, this is a game of life and death!" he snapped back at the girls. "And squeegee, and bungee, and grungy! Oh, we're in trouble kid." Haruko said. "Well, can you at least give me some backup Mabel?" Dipper asked his sister. "Anything for you Dipps!" Mabel cheerfully answered. "Good kid, now go out there and prove that you love me!" Haruko exclaimed kicking the twins out.

When they got up, Dipper charged at Canti with a bloodthirsty look on his face while Mabel jumped in the air with her bazooka. "Check it out Dipper, I can rocket jump!" she exclaimed before crashing down into the ground. "Oh no, Mabel down! Mabel down!" But her brother didn't seem to notice as he and the Medical Machine went all out against each other before Canti started getting fired at itself from an unknown assailant, which was Kitsurubami.

"Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, cobalt blue!" she exclaimed with each shot from her anti-tank rifle. "It's seven of nine, he's a sign!" When she got his head in her sights, she fired again. "CYBORG!" she screamed taking one last shot. "Cyborg my butt!" Haruko shouted back batting the bullet away from her as Dipper continued fighting Canti. "Actually, confusing cyborgs with robots is a common misconception." Ford stated. "But there are a few cyborgs who are mostly machine, like this policewoman I've met who's only organic part was her brain and strangely looked a bit like Scarlet Johansson-" He was interrupted when the bullet flung back at Kitsurubami's car, blowing it up and tossing her into the fray.

"Take this squirt!" Stan cried charging towards his great-nephew before being knocked over by the government agent and sent tumbling around. "Soos, Canti, you're on your own for now!" Dipper however saw this as an opportunity to land the killing blow. "Alright, one more shot and I win!" he proclaimed as he prepared to pounce on the machine before being interrupted by a familiar voice. "Hi Dipper!" It was Pacifica, who had come by for some reason. "Oh no Paz, get out of here!" Dipper exclaimed jumping in front of her as Canti fired one last bullet at his torso, knocking him out. "Oh no dude, you alright?" Soos cried rushing to the boy's side. "I'm fine Soos, I just don't know how I could survive that."

"And by the way Canti, I get three time-outs!" he turned to Canti, who blankly stared at him in reply. "Don't give me that look!" Dipper exclaimed much to the heiress's confusion. "Are you okay there Dipper?" she asked. "Oh, it's just that my great uncle wants to kill me because he thought I got 'busy' with his new friend." he answered. "So what are you doing here anyway?" he wondered.

"Oh yeah, my dad sent me out here to tell you that he's kinda ticked off about you trespassing on his Medical Mechanica factory." Pacifica said. "Speaking of which, is this Medical Machine like, your servant or something?" she asked. "Yeah pretty much. Hey Canti, can you go to the grocery store?" The machine did as it was told as it soared off into the sky. "And remember to get the candy Mabel likes!" Dipper called.

"So what was that about your father?" he asked turning to Pacifica. "Like I said, he got pretty mad about you and your family stepping on his territory when that big satellite nearly killed us all last night." she stated. "And I saved us!" Dipper responded fiercely. "Wait, you did what?" his rich blonde friend stuttered. "Yeah he did, he was all bang-slam-kerpow!" Mabel exclaimed getting back up with only a few scrapes on her. "With a Gibson?!" Pacifica continued, still utterly stunned. "It's true!" Haruko replied dancing into view and glomping Dipper, while Mabel chanted "Smooch, smooch, smooch!" several times.

"And I thought that lumberjack ghost was freaky." Pacifica said to herself before discovering Ford sitting on the porch. "Hey, is that supposed to be you great uncle? He looks so different from when I last saw him." she wondered. "Oh yeah, that is out great uncle, but he's not really Stan." Dipper replied. "Yeah, Grunkle Stan had this weird portal behind the vending machine in the gift shop that he used to bring his brother back from some parallel universe or something crazy like that." Mabel added.

"He-hey Sixer!" Haruko called to the polydactyl professor while pulling at Dipper's face before he started to feel faint.

* * *

"So this Haruko woman just decided to stay at your place after nearly killing Dipper?" Pacifica asked Mabel as they walked through the woods. "Pretty much, fate is crazy that way." the sweater girl replied. "Plus ever since then, all kinds of crazy robots started popping out of this weird horn on his forehead like Canti for example. Plus Haruko really hit it off with Stan, even coming with him on a revenge trip."

"And Dipper was stuck into some weird shootout after your great-uncle caught him making out with that Haruko?" the blonde added blushing. "Why would you ask that?" Mabel wondered for a bit before going silent and putting a coy expression on her face. "You like Dipper, don't you P?" she said. "What, no I don't!" Pacifica claimed blushing harder. "I just think he's a nice guy, okay?"

"So that was Preston's girl, huh?" Ford wondered with his mouth full of fishsticks. "Yeah, it turns out she doesn't have the best parents and she saved my life during Northwest Fest. How she's doing now I don't want to know." Dipper replied. "And are you sure you have a crush on her?" the old-aged genius added, much to his younger counterpart's embarrassment. "Okay maybe I kind of do, but I'm afraid to confess my feelings to her because I'm terrible with girls." he admitted. "I can definitely relate Dipper. One time when I was your age, I held hands with a girl who suddenly freaked out and ran away because of my six fingers."

"And then there's Haruko." Dipper continued. "She was initially a complete annoyance to me but as time went on, I'm starting to like her more. Maybe it's because of all the crazy adventures we went on because of her." Ford then came to a conclusion. "Maybe it's because she has connections to Canti." he said. "Maybe it seems that this town's weirdness has brought her here and all the robots with her. "

"Y'know speaking of weirdness, where did Grunkle Stan go anyway?" the boy wondered before his other great uncle pulled a pistol on him. "Whoa whoa whoa, I thought you were better than this!" Dipper exclaimed. "Don't fret kid, Stan left behind one of his ten guns and I want to see how durable your head is with that horn."

* * *

Meanwhile somewhere near the Shack in the forest, a battle-damaged Kitsurubami was retching up dirt and grime from her tussle with Stan as she contacted her superior. "I'm on the ground. The attack was a failure, some old man got me distracted and I lost the target." she spoke into the phone as Stan got up and walked away. "That little tumble was fun and all babe, but I gotta go find Haruko." the con-artist said. "It's a horrific entity that flies around like it hasn't heard of gravity." Unbeknownst to her, Canti happened to float near her until she turned around and screamed.

Meanwhile back at the salon, Amarao was still on the phone as Kitsurubami started making random noises. "Kitsurubami, Kitsurubami! Are you alright?" he exclaimed into the phone before he got hit with a splash of water. "Now hold still sir, we're gonna do the hair color next." his dyer stated as she started rubbing his red hair. "Now who do you want it, auburn, chestnust or maybe even, fooly cooly color?"

"Fooly...cooly..." It took Amarao a while to realize it, but he recognized that voice from anywhere and the two pulled weapons on one another, with the woman revealing herself to be Haruko. "What's with the eyebrows loverboy? An attempt at bushy masculine charm?!" she exclaimed pointing a razor at his neck. "Chicks dig the clean-cut look, that what you were thinking?!" Amarao wasn't having it as he pointed a handgun at her forehead. "Raharu!" he growled preparing to pull the trigger. "Deciding to send your little commando on a mission!" And that's when they went all out against each other with tons of firepower.

"Ow, are you done yet Ford?" Dipper exclaimed as Ford fired a few bullets at the boy's head. "Guess I am, that noggin of yours is really sturdy." Ford replied as he tossed away the gun. "Your horn's acting up again, could it be that fooly cooly Stan keeps rambling about?" he asked noticing his great-nephew's horn as it started to wiggle.

"Hey guys, whatcha talkin' about?" Mabel wondered as she returned to them and sat down on the couch. "We were just discussing how much Haruko has changed us and Ford shooting me to see how tough my head was." Dipper replied before taking his sister's head. "C'mon, let's go find Grunkle Stan." Meanwhile, Kitsurubami had enough and started emptying lead on Canti. "NOOOO! STAY AWAY!" she exclaimed.

In town, Stan was charging through the streets looking for Haruko until he ran into a overweight man wearing a shirt that had a pizza on it. "Hey big guy, you seen a young lady about yay high, has pink hair and pretty much mentally unstable?" he asked panting before the pizza guy pointed at the hair salon. "Cool, thanks!"

Back onto Haruko and Amarao's firefight, the two continued giving each other all they got before standing off. "I'm not a child anymore, I'm an adult!" Amarao proclaimed putting on a pair of sunglasses. "I can buy my own insurance and everything!" Just then, dozens of other agents assembled behind him carrying guns like him. "That robot is too dangerous. If we don't take it out, Medical Mechanica will make its move." he explained. "You understand what they're planning and how it would affect the planet. And that thing, when it turns red, it's Atomsk."

That last sentence alone made Haruko really angry as she opened fire on pretty much everyone in the building, shooting agents that busted in left and right until the front door was opened by Stan. "Haruko, I've been wondering where you were!" he cried before turning his attention to Amarao. "Hello there eyebrows." he grimaced at the head of the D.I.I. "Stan Pines, I knew you would show up here." Amarao replied pointing his gun at the old trickster. "I'm surprised you didn't recognize me at first last night." the great-uncle replied pulling out a gun of his own. "Was it the fake mustache?"

"You didn't have a fake mustache you idiot!" Amarao roared before turning to his men. "Pines isn't important right now, just stop Raharu!" At his command, they all dog-piled and pointed their guns at Haruko before she blasted them off her and pointed her Rickenbacker at Amarao. "You've got to be kidding me." he groaned surrounded by the unconscious bodies of his fellow agents. "Two against one, sounds like pretty good odds." Stan added brandishing some brass knuckles.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Pines twins were running into town searching for their uncle. "You know bro, you've been acting pretty different lately, a bit less awkward and more awesome." Mabel said. "Maybe Ford was right, maybe Haruko did have a part in the grand scheme of this." Dipper boldly deducted. "Seriously Dipper, you've become so much different ever since she came here. She taught me to be braver in the face of life-threatening situations."

Meanwhile, Stan and Haruko continued duking it out with Amarao while nearby townsfolk ran for cover, with the two tricksters getting the upper hand.

"You already are pretty brave. By the way, what's with that weird thing on the back of your head?" Mabel responded staring at the gun that appeared on her brother's head without his knowledge. "Be honest, you like her!" Dipper stopped right there on the sidewalk as he was taken aback by his sister's words, given that he wasn't very good with romance and that Mabel's personal goal this summer was to meet a cute boy that would date her. Suddenly, he felt something click in his head as his horn burst out and planted itself in the ground before pushing him skyward as Mabel grabbed onto it.

The siren from Medical Mechanica sounded as the boy's horn grew larger, large enough to be noticed by Kitsurubami & Canti, Pacifica and all the people of Gravity Falls. Amarao, now on the ground after losing his battle with the man of mystery and his pink-haired partner and losing his large eyebrows, got up to notice what happened. "Oh no, where are my eyebrows?!" he screamed before turning his head to the giant horn in the middle of town. "Medical Mechanica is using these machines to destroy this town and the rest of the planet, we are so screwed!" he continued on, much to Stan and Haruko's annoyance. "Yeesh, for such a calculating government agent, he sure is a wimp." Stan mocked him. "Your friend is the one who caused all this Pines, and now we're all screwed because of her!"

"I don't care you idiot, got it memorized?" Haruko added scowling at Amarao. "Your guitar's not up to it, that's it!" he replied. "You're a million years under-evolved, you primitive monkey!" she screamed. "Whoa, take it easy babe!" Stan exclaimed trying to calm her down. "That's discriminatory language against underdeveloped planets!" Amarao shouted back before he was hit in the head with Haruko's bass before she waved it around while chanting. "You can't do that here! Where are my eyebrows, my eyebrows!" Suddenly, a small thing appeared on the redhaired agent's forehead. "A little small as usual, but it'll do." Haruko said plucking it off before revving up her instrument and taking off. "You handle him yourself Stan!"

"Stanley!" a voice called from a nearby alleyway. Stan walked into it to find his brother hiding. "Thank goodness you're still alive! Listen, we need to save Dipper & Mabel and the town!" Ford exclaimed. "Yep, that's the biggest one this story might put out." Stan replied turning back to the giant robot. "I have a feeling Diamond Brandy might show up, so I've decided to bring this along." Reaching into a duffel bag, the genius pulled out a stone mask with a red gem on it. "Oh mama, that looks like mob-boss quality!" the con-artist exclaimed reaching for him before his hand was slapped aside. "This is the Eyes of Heaven mask, an ancient artifact that I've recovered many years ago from temple ruins. If Diamond Brandy dare touches it, it could bring about the end of days!"

"Seriously, what does that chick see in those kids, especially the one with the hat?!" Amarao whined still looking up to the sky. "I don't know, maybe it's because he sort of has a pair." Stan replied with a laugh.

Meanwhile high up in the sky, Dipper and Mabel were clinging on for dear life on top of the new robot's hat as it started moving towards Medical Mechanica. "If this is our last moment together Takkun, then I want to say it's been an honor being your sister!" Mabel exclaimed hugging her brother. "I love you too Mabel, now hold on!" Dipper replied as he tried to find a way to safely return to the ground until a red light appeared zooming across the sky. It was Haruko, surfing on her guitar and wearing a Playboy bunny outfit for some reason. "Hey, it's Haruko!" the shooting star exclaimed. "Wait, why is she dressed like that?"

"DAICON FIVE!" Haruko cried as she fired a small guitar like a slingshot at the robot, knocking it back a bit. "Stop it Haruko!" Dipper shouted clinging on for dear life. "Please Takkun, summon Canti so that you can save us!" his sister cried ducking for cover. "Wait, are you serious right now?" the younger by five minutes boy exclaimed. "Of course I'm going to save us! CANTI!"

The Medical Machine sprung into the air and landed by his side. "And by the way, you've always known me as Dipper, not Takkun! You better remember that!" he shouted before getting eaten by Canti's torso jaws and making it turn red. As the robot pulled out a gun and started firing at the Vespa Woman, she gracefully dodged all its attack before being knocked down to the ground by one. Suddenly, Canti soared down and picked her up, seating her on its back.

Haruko prepared to attack with the slingshot again, but it proved ineffective against the mechanical monstrosity. "Ugh, useless!" she groaned throwing the slingshot away before slamming Canti's head, turning it into a cannon which fired at the gun-toting machine. It landed quite a hit, knocking it over while Mabel nearly fell off before Canti swooped in and saved her.

"It's falling!" Grenda exclaimed as she and Candy held each other close. "If this is the end of the line, then it's been fun being your friend!" the Asian girl replied before they noticed Mabel landing right in front of them. "Well, it's official. I have a fear of giant robots with cowboy hats and guns!" she exclaimed dusting herself.

"FINAL ROUND?!" Haruko exclaimed as the robot toppled over. Canti launched one final attack, which proved nothing when the robot repelled it by firing back and sending it careening into a nearby billboard. "I'm all out of ammo!" she complained before leaping into the air with her Rickenbacker in hand, but the robot aimed and fired all its weapons at her as it formed into a hand-like shape.

"Commander!" Kitsurubami cried as she and Amarao drove into the action. "I told you this was impossible!" her superior replied in panic before they were hit by a stray bullet. The bass-playing bunny continued falling as the robot got back up on its feet before she fell into Canti's arms when his screen started glowing. "This is bad, it's heading towards the factory, it's gonna activate it!" Amarao screamed in terror before he spotted a beam of light spilling out of the Medical Machine's head. It grabbed the light and pulled it out, forming a guitar-shaped object. "It's..." Amarao said. "It's Atomsk's..." Haruko shouted in surprise.

"GIBSON EB-0 1961 MODEL!" they shouted in unison. Dropping Haruko, Canti launched itself at the robot, smacking it with the bass and finally making it fall over. It tumbled a bit before bouncing atop Medical Mechanica and turning into a giant hand. "I can't believe it, that must be the one!" Amarao exclaimed as it continued falling. "It's the real Pirate King!"

Canti struck one final blow, creating a large hole in the palm and causing a piece of machinery to burst out. Suddenly, steam erupted from the factory covering all of Gravity Falls with it. Meanwhile, Stan, Ford, Soos and Wendy were on a Mystery Shack golf cart searching for the kids. "See them dudes?" Soos asked. "No way Soos." Wendy replied. "But we do see some kinda meteorite headed right for us." Stan added. "Wait a minute, that isn't a meteor-RUN!" Ford exclaimed as they all ran far away from the golf cart as it met its untimely end in the hands of the clump of technology.

The red ammo fell from the billboard as the girls all watched, later joined by the Stans and the Shack employees. The golf cart crashed into a nearby fire hydrant spraying water on the glowing bullet before it turned back into their friend Dipper, followed by Haruko landing right next to him as she gazed into Atomsk's screen. "Atomsk!" she moaned.

"Dipper, you're alright!" Mabel exclaimed as she hugged her brother. "I was worried for you too." he replied hugging her as well, before they patted each other on the back. "It's nice that both of you have their heads still attached which means your parents won't try to kill me, but now let's head back home." Stan said picking them up by the arms. "I think you might need some rest."

As they all happily walked back to the Shack, everything became frozen as a portal opened before them, which out climbed none other than Diamond Brandy. "Oh, did I miss the party?" he wondered as he raised a bubble around him and the Pines family. "Well, at least I get a few goodies."

"Someone help us!" Mabel shouted pounding on the shield. "Soos, Wendy, Haruko, anyone!" Dipper added also pounding. "That shield won't work children. Outside things are going normally but here, I get to slaughter you and nobody will notice." Diamond replied. "Now Six Fingers, I sense you have the item that I've been looking for." he said turning to Ford. "I said it once and I'll say it again, I will never hand you the Eyes!" Ford declared. "Well then, if I can't take the mask, then I'll take your family's lives instead." When he finished that sentence, the rest of the family became buried neck-down in the street, struggling to escape.

"Now what will it be Stanford, your loved ones or my key to ultimate power?" Brandy offered as he summoned a sword caked in blood in his hand. "You should know this sword is painted with the blood of my enemies." Ford quivered as his brother and great-nephew & niece begged for mercy as he lowered the sword at their heads. "I think I'll start with..." he pointed it at Stan. "YOU!"

"WAIT!" Ford interrupted his brother's execution by pulling out the mask. "I'll give you the mask, just leave my family and this planet alone!" The ruby gem resting atop its forehead glimmered in the light. "Very good choice." the demon thanked him before pulling the three up like vegetables. "Now hand it over."

"Hey wait, before you go off and destroy the galaxy, why don't you tell us your backstory? You just can't be evil because why not." Mabel asked. "Fine Shooting Star, allow me to let you relive my past." His fingertips glowed before he touched the Pines' foreheads, sending them all the way back to a Mayan-looking village. "Welcome to the story of how I became the monster you see today."

"Before now, I was just another weakling that was picked on by my kinfolk." he narrated as a young boy that looked like Diamond was picked on by other children. "Stay back, I have awesome powers that would make you wet your trousers!" the boy that would become Diamond Brandy exclaimed before throwing his hands out, expecting to release an awesome attack but nothing happen. "Face it Deh'Go, you're not gonna go far." one of the kids stated as they all walked away. "If you want your own powers, then why don't you just walk into a mud pit, I'm pretty sure you'd get earth powers."

"Good Lord, and I thought Crampelter was bad." Stan said as they all watched the younger Brandy weep in sorrow. "I just want to hug that nice and chubby baby so hard!" Mabel exclaimed as she tried to run up to the child, but failed. "Sorry girl, we're spirits now. Meaning we can't interact with others while in this state." Brandy explained. "My life was pretty terrible, but then everything changed when Atomsk attacked."

He fast-forwarded time to a point where he was standing in the flaming ruins of his village. "I wanted to help ward him off, but I failed and our home was reduced to rubble." A short man with a bushy beard and white robes marched up to Brandy, looking very angry. "Do you realize what you have done Bu'Ran'Doy, now we have to rebuild!" the man barked as many other equally upset villagers gathered behind him. "But Atomsk is gone, that's good right?" the taller man sheepishly replied before his fellow Pole People started throwing rocks at him. "I was exiled from my home that day, but then I found help."

Fast forwarding a little bit more, an image of Brandy drawing a circle in the dirt surrounded by a set of eight makeshift candles. "Hey, this is just like when Gideon summoned...oh no." Dipper realized. "Indeed Pine Tree, it was at this spot where I first met a being you might know as Bill Cipher." the demon explained as they all watched him summon the three-sided terror.

"Egassem sdrawkcab. egassem sdrawkcab. Egassem sdrawkcab! Egassem sdrawkcab! Egassem sdrawkcab!" the younger Diamond Brandy chanted with his eyes glowing blue as a familiar shape began to form, manically laughing along the way until Bill Cipher appeared before him. "Hey there pal, name's Bill! And I suppose you summoned me for your own goals?" the dream demon greeted Brandy. "Indeed I have oh Great Triangle God of Weirdness," Brandy replied kneeling before him. "I seek revenge on my people for shunning me all my life for my lack of special powers."

"You mean those Pole People? Yeah, I think I can help you with that." Bill replied as he began scrolling through different types of magic. "Which one would you like? I got water, earth, fire, air, metal, blood, etc!" All of those sounded interesting to the young Pole Person, but one had caught his eye. "I would like fire please." he answered. "Firestarter? That's pretty hard to master." the triangular terror said as he turned back to Deh'Go with his hand covered in blue fire. "Now do we have a deal?"

"It's a deal." the future destroyer replied as he shook the demon's hand. "Alright, Firestarter's all yours pal!" Bill exclaimed as he started to disappear. "And remember, THE MEANING OF LIFE IS A JOKE, I WILL RETURN HERE ONE DAY, HERE'S JOHNNY BYYYYYYEEEEEE!" Cipher had disappeared, leaving Buh'Ran'Doy with this paper rune as he cackled evilly. "Look out Cylindoria, I will return!"

"What I didn't realize was that a lone villager was spying on me and Bill." And he was right, a villager with a prominent bald spot watched as Brandy laughed, fearing the worst for his people. "When he returned to the city of Cylindoria, he explained what he had saw to the high council and they decided to create a mask that would end my reign of terror. And the rest was history."

With that, he fast-forwarded through the rest of his story, from the creation of the mask, him mastering his powers, the destruction of Cylindoria and being sealed by the last Pole Person, who turned out to be that same villager. "Now that we got my backstory out of the way, the mask please." Brandy ordered, in which Ford complied handing it over. "Yes, ultimate power is mine!" He put it on and everything was silent. Then, beams of light burst out of his limbs as he felt his power growing.

Then everything went silent again as the mask crumbled into pieces and falling onto the pavement. "Thank you for your time mortal, I promise your planet will be left unharmed." Diamond Brandy thanked Ford before summoning his sword and soaring into the sky while the shield disappeared.

"Hey dudes, we were wondering what happened to you." Soos said with a concerned look on his face. "Yeah, while you were gone Haruko ran off with Canti because of some weird Pirate King stuff that isn't related to that pirate show Soos watches." Wendy added. "We actually weren't gone, we were held captive by this crazy guy who wanted to kill us unless Ford handed over this mask he wanted!" Mabel exclaimed while Dipper gazed into the sky, wondering where Haruko had gone.

"Aw chin up kid, Haruko may be gone probably for good and the whole universe is in danger, but at least we got Mrs. Pell's Fishsticks!" Stan reassured his great-nephew which made Ford blush. "Well that's a pretty funny story. I uh, ate them all." he nervously confessed showing the empty box to his brother. "They tasted so good when they're raw!" Stan replied by punching him in the face.

* * *

Hello everyone, Ford here. Well this is it, the final chapter is almost here. I just want to say it's been a fun ride with you all and I really had a fun time, even if I nearly doomed us all. Join us next time for Fooly Falls chapter 6! Now go beyond, plus ultra!

 **Dedicated to Joseph Levitch, aka Jerry Lewis (March 16, 1926-August 20, 2017)**

 **Thank you for the laughs.**


	6. The Bizarre Climax

**Fooly Falls**

 **Chapter 6: The Bizarre Climax (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Rage Against the Machine)**

* * *

Space, the final frontier. Home to billions of strange new worlds across the stars just waiting to be discovered. To boldly go where no man has gone before has been one of our greatest desires since the universe was in its infancy. And today, we focus on one specific planet in this prologue.

Welcome to the planet Quatro-5, a prosperous little orb in the Sonata System home to the peaceful Cinconians. These creatures often spend their days tending to their futuristic utopia home's ecosystem, making friends with other races, etc. As you can see it's pretty boring, but that will all change now. And since the Cinconian language is complete nonsense to humans, their dialogue will be presented in English.

"Your majesty, we have discovered a comet heading for the capital." a Cinconian scientist announced to the ruler of the planet in their native language. "Some have speculated that it's another species that wants to come in peace." he explained. "I am quite interested in this news, please show me." the good king replied getting up from his throne and walking toward the scientist.

"Approximately six hours, fifteen minutes and twelve seconds ago, there has been a massive cosmic energy flux coming from the planet Ee-arth in the Milky Way Galaxy and many planets have been disappearing as a result." the scientist said. "Isn't it pronounced 'erth' sir?" the king asked. "Let me finish! Anyway, satellites that we have launched have spotted a human-like creature soaring past the planet's atmosphere layer without dying before he took out said satellite. And I have a feeling ours might be next."

As the king and the scientist went outside, they saw their people gathered around his castle anticipating the arrival of the comet. "My fellow Cinconians!" the king announced to his subjects before they all turned around to watch him. "This may seem sudden, but we have gathered here today to witness the arrival of a new member of our society! And look, there they are now!"

The Cinconians cheered as the comet touched down before them, revealing itself to be a well-built man bearing a sword caked in blood. The aliens oohed and aahed at the sight of this new figure until he decapitated one of them with a swipe of his blade. Amazement then turned into horror as the people ran for their lives.

The king watched as this new person turned his people into puddles of yellow blood that covered the land. Eventually the invader teleported right in front of him and the scientist. "What monster are you?!" the monarch exclaimed. "I am so glad you asked your Grace. My name is Diamond Brandy, the soon-to-be new god of this pitiful universe." the man introduced himself with a bow and condescending smile. "And I suppose you must be King Dyorbith IV, ruler of Quatro-5."

"Indeed I am sir. I beg of you to stop harming my people and leave my planet alone." King Dynorbith begged dropping to his knees. "Hmmm. How about this, I shall spare you if you bring me a sacrifice." Diamond suggested. "Oh thank you new god, I will not disappoint!" the king exclaimed happily before turning to his scientist. "Sorry, but sacrifices have to be made!" he said shoving him in Brandy's direction.

"Why thank you sir for your offering, I promise I shall let you live." Diamond Brandy thanked the king before unsheathing his sword. Bringing to the scientist's neck, he swung with all his might, knocking the head on the ground in one fell swoop. As the weapon faded into specks of light, Diamond turned to Dynorbith. "Remember when I said I'd spare you?" he asked pointing a finger at him with a flame at the tip. "I lied." With that, he instantly incinerated the king and flew off, blowing up the planet along the way.

Upon reaching the black recesses of outer space, the demon took a moment to admire his carnage. He had destroyed dozens of planets, eliminated dozens of civilizations and yet somehow he felt empty inside as if there were no more planets left to destroy. "Y'know, causing so much chaos has started to get boring after a while." he contemplated. "I don't have many mortals left to massacre unless..." He then stared at Earth from afar, thinking about how much destruction he'd wreak but he couldn't bring himself to do so. "No, the Six-Fingered Man and I had a deal!"

"Why fight it pal?" a voice rang out. Brandy looked around the stars to figure out where it came from until he laid eyes upon his sword. "My weapon, speaking to me?" he thought before the sword was bathed in a heavenly glow and shapeshifted into a humanoid figure with snow white hair, three blood red eyes, a spider tattoo on his bare chest and a snake's tail in place of human legs. "What the devil are you?" the monster exclaimed in awe of this new being before him. "I am your sword Deh'Go! Didn't Bill tell you I was alive when you were granted Firestarter?" the sentient weapon replied sticking his frog-like tongue at him. "He never told me about you in the first place!" Brandy said. "Oh right, he probably gave me to you after you were turned to stone just in case. Kinda forgot about that."

"Enough of this, the Six-Fingered Man gave me the Eyes of Heaven so that I could spare his loved ones and planet!" Diamond Brandy explained harshly. "C'mon master, you know deals like that always fall through, right?" the sword snapped back. "Oh right, forgot to introduce myself! My name is Armageddon and I can help you become more powerful." Those last two words caught Brandy's ears and he took Armageddon's hand as the half-snake turned back into a sword.

"We have a deal Geddon. Is it okay if I call you that?" he asked Armageddon. "Sure why not. Anyway, I know a really fast way to get to Earth. It's called 'Vento Aureo'." Geddon explained. "Give it a shot." Brandy nodded and began to focus his energy on this new move and cried out "VENTO AUREO!" before zooming towards Earth at supersonic speeds.

* * *

"Hey Dipper, I have a question. If you were to have a superpower, which one would it be?" Mabel asked her brother as they walked through the woods. It has been a while since Haruko & Canti left Gravity Falls and the Medical Mechanica factory that towered over the Oregon town has been spewing smoke, covering it in white mist. "Me, I'd want to have the powers of a frog so that I can look like a cute little frog girl that hops around and stuff. You'd probably want nerdy powers like telepathy or laser vision, right?" Dipper didn't answer. "Okay, here's another question. If you were given the chance to dive into a swimming pool filled with gold, would you?"

"Mabel, you realize that is impossible to do without breaking every bone in your body right?" Dipper replied. "It's a great many pieces of hard matter that form a hard floor-like surface. Just food for thought." he explained as he continued walking. "Y'know bro, you've become more of a buzzkill lately after Haruko left yesterday." Mabel said concernedly. "C'mon, tell me your feelings."

"Okay, I confess. It's been pretty quiet ever since they left town, and that factory isn't making anything better. I can barely see in this fog!" Dipper said. "Hopefully we can still find a way back to the Mystery Shack in time for dinner." The two continued wandering through the forest surrounded by mist as the sun tried to peek out of the fog.

"It's a hand?" Agent Powers said to Kitsurubami over the phone as they examined the hand from afar. "Yes Powers, yesterday saw the appearance of another machine that tried to advance toward the Medical Mechanica factory but failed thanks to the efforts of those children." she replied. "It is currently towering over the factory looking like it's about to grab it."

"What makes you think it's about to grab the factory?" Amarao asked while working out on an exercise bike as he handed Kitsurubami his drink. "I mean, it's pretty obvious, a hand grabbing an iron? You think it wants to iron out the wrinkles?" his right hand woman wondered. "Of what?" he asked. "Like the wrinkles on the brain. Y'know?"

"Then we'd all be brainless morons! Those wrinkles are how we think." Amarao replied. "But of course we know the real psycho is Raharu. She's always been like that." As he finished speaking, various screens started showing the piece of machinery that destroyed the golf cart yesterday. "The parameters aren't completely clear yet. If that's the terminal core that's going to control the hand, then of course it wouldn't activate yet." Kitsurubami explained while sipping from her superior's drink, only to cry out in disgust over what she just ingested. "AH, WHAT DID I DO?!"

"That's right, forget about Haruhara! We need to find those twins and the terminal core on the double, before the plan activates!" Amarao ordered.

* * *

"Good grief, who would've guessed all this fog would lead to a downpour?!" Stan exclaimed as he and Ford stood outside the hovel they both called home. It was starting to rain as a result of the mist. "Maybe this wouldn't have happened if you let me die like a true hero against that Diamond guy." he said to his brother. "I know what I did was bad for pretty much the entire galaxy Stanley, but I needed to keep the children alive for their parents." Ford replied.

"Don't you have anything that can stop him like explosive lemons, air powers, the ability to turn anyone into a jade statue, radioactive spiders, anything!" the con-artist cried shaking the genius. "Settle down Stan, I think you're gonna give me whiplash!" Stan replied by rolling his eyes and smugly looking at the readers. "Who are you looking at? In fact, I don't want to know."

"Listen Ford, you were trying to keep our heads attached but can you at least do it without putting all of existence at risk?! Y'know what, I think I need a drink." Stan groaned before pulling out a flask and drinking from it. "Why are you drinking at a time like th-" Ford questioned before his brother pulled up his index finger and finished drinking. "What even is that anyway?" he asked. "Cherry soda, want some?" Stan offered.

"I think I'll pass, I'm gonna do some research on that giant hand over the factory." Ford politely refused before walking towards the woods. "Well be back in time for my new hat to arrive in the mail!" Stan called as his brother disappeared into the fog.

Meanwhile somewhere else near the shack, Dipper & Mabel were continuing to trek through the greenery. "Okay Mabel, I've got a question for you this time. Which do you prefer, chopsticks or sporks?" Dipper asked. "Definitely sporks, because I actually know how to use them." Mabel replied. "Remember that one Chinese place we went to back in fourth grade? You got a tummy-ache because of the soy sauce and I had trouble with the chopsticks. I still keep them in my sweater pocket to this day!" She pulled a pair out of her pocket and showed them to her brother. "See?"

Just then, they discovered a figure in the shape of a man standing away from them. "Hey, is that Ford?" Dipper asked. The two walked closer to the man only to discover it was actually Commander Amarao. "Hello there Dipper, been wanting to see you again since yesterday." he greeted the boy. "Hey bro, check out this guy's funny eyebrows!" Mabel giggled pointing at his ginormous brows. "And I suppose this is your sister?" Amarao wondered. "Yes, yes he is sir."

"Do ya need something to drink, I think sweet stuff would help with that head of yours." Amarao suggested. "You're tired, aren't you? Every time something comes out of your head causes problems for everyone." he explained. "What's he talkin' about broseph?" the shooting star wondered. "Well, I don't think your housekeeper is coming back kids especially after what happened yesterday, but just in case..." Suddenly, he slapped a pair of eyebrows like his own on Dipper's face. "What was that for?!" the boy cried. "Can I get my own pair?" his sister asked.

"Cats should only stick with other cats children, it's only natural. And I don't want to know how her departure affected your great uncle." the adult said. "Do you know why Raharu got so close to your family? You might know her as Haruko but Raharu's her real name. The reason she's here is because she's after an astral being known as Atomsk." he continued. "I've never met him in person before but I've heard lots of rumors that he has so much N.O that he can steal entire star systems, which is why he's called the 'Pirate King.' Normally, the two of them would be mortal enemies but there's a catch. Atomsk was captured by Medical Mechanica and Raharu came here to save him, because she's in love with him."

Meanwhile somewhere else in the forest, Ford was sitting on a tree branch examining the giant hand while writing down in a small notepad. "Now what could that factory have connections to?" he wondered climbing down.

As he prepared to go home, he heard a faint clinking noise. Looking around, he found the source of the noise to be a small dog-like creature at his feet made up of a few metal bits and bobs. "Hello there little one, what are you supposed to be?" he asked the little machine. It suddenly got excited and started jumping around much to his surprise. "Well aren't you energetic?"

Ford pulled out an energy reader to further analyze the hand while the tiny scrapheap scampered around before leaping up and taking it out of his twelve fingers. "Stop you little critter, I need that!" he shouted before it came to a halt. "You know what, you can have it." he stated in defeat before the robot swallowed it whole, growing larger as a result. "Quite an interesting specimen you are. I think I'll call you Takkun." Ford said kneeling down to its height. "Why don't you come home with me so that I can study you some more?"

* * *

Later that day, Dipper sat on his bed, now littered with Haruko's things and playing a guitar like hers while Mabel laid on her bed playing with Waddles. "Hey Mabel, was there ever a time where you met someone really cool and yet they had to leave all of a sudden?" he asked. "Oh yeah, lots of my crushes are like that such as Mermando. If only that undersea war didn't start, then we'd see each other again then eventually get married and have half-merperson half-human babies!" Mabel replied. "Lemme guess, you asked because you're still torn up about Haruko?" she wondered. "What, no! It's just that it seemed like she really liked me yet just disappeared all of a sudden!" he claimed before lying down on his bed.

"Kids, dinner's on!" Stan called them downstairs a while later. The twins made their way downstairs to the kitchen when they saw a familiar face with their grunkles. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S YOU!" Dipper shouted pointing at Haruko as everything went black and white again. "Is something wrong Dipper?" Ford wondered. "That's not important, check out my new hat!" Stan exclaimed gesturing towards a checkerboard-pattern top hat resting on his noggin in place of the fez. "Hi!" Haruko greeted them. Dipper was so shocked, the eyebrows Amarao given him fell off his head. "Why are you sitting there like nothing happened?! You're a wanted fugitive!" the boy shouted jumping on the table. "Funny story kid, Haruko told me that she should get some R & R." Stan explained. "She vacationed to Hawaii, I went to prison there once!"

"And she brought back these delicious spicy fish eggs!" Ford added taking a bite out of one. "Those don't come from Hawaii, and why would she get them there?! And how would you give a criminal vacation time?!" Dipper snapped. "Vacation, alienation, Japanimation, manga, kanga, naked lunch, Hawaiian Punch, fruit juicy!" Haruko chanted before chopping Dipper on the head. "It's not funny, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Why are you hitting Dipper, it was just a stupid joke!" Mabel exclaimed joining in on the insanity. "Well if I ever do a vacation, I'd like to be all alone with you two especially you Takkun!" Haruko stated much to the old men's shock. "As if I'd go with you, you can take Mabel but count me out!" the boy declared preparing to march out of the kitchen. "Ah, you're embarrassed you little brat!" the Vespa Woman said giving him a noogie. "Stop that, it hurts!" he shouted before she moved on to kicking him in the privates. "The people's crotch attack!" she followed up. "Please stop this, help me Mabel!"

"She can doodlie doodlie me like that anytime! Am I saying it right?" Ford said to his brother. "Look at this, fooly coolying everywhere and none for me!" Stan exclaimed growing more insane. "Frooly drooly head, googly googly eyes, fooly cooly this! Fooly cooly fooly cooly fooly cooly fooly cooly fooly cooly fooly cooly!"

"Alright that's enough writer, get us outta here!" he shouted to the author of this story before everything returned to normal. He & Dipper were panting, Mabel & Ford were on the floor and Haruko was just eating smugly. "Okay everybody, let's just stick with the thin lines." he finally said. "Thin lines?" Dipper wondered. "Even when events are being told through the written word, it's pretty hard to reference manga. Takes a lot of time and work." the con-artist explained. "This is an adaptation of the anime made by those Gainax guys so we gotta follow the events from there, right?"

"What do you mean right? Quit fooling around, it's not cool you know!" Dipper said, much to everyone's shock. "NANI?!" Waddles oinked a full English word. "Fooly cooly." Haruko added. "He said it everyone, so now he has to tell us what it means!" Stan shouted. "C'mon kid, tell us if it's just some weird innuendo or just complete nonsense! What does fooly cooly mean?!" Dipper was not liking this. "Why are you asking me, I don't know what it means!" he responded. "C'mon Dipper, you're the main character so you have to know this!" Mabel added. "Tell us already Dipper!" Ford interjected. "You too Ford?!" he shouted before Waddles squished himself in.

"WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON HERE, WHO CARES ABOUT FOOLY COOLY ANYWAY?!" he howled before Haruko jumped and hit him in the head with her bass. "FOOLY!"

"Why are you hitting me with that?!" Dipper screamed before he was smacked again, this time flying out of the tourist trap. The madness continued during dinner and long into the night.

Later that night, Dipper took another shower to wash away the past few minutes. After getting out, he looked at himself in the mirror to find a certain bandage on his head. "Wait, what's that doing back here again?" he wondered wiping the moisture off of the mirror only to find Ford standing behind him. "Dipper, I know this is a really inappropriate time but I need to speak with you!" the great uncle explained grabbing him by the hand. "Can I at least put on some clothes first?" Dipper shouted before he was tossed Ford's coat. "This is like, way too big for me-AH!"

Taking him downstairs to the kitchen, Ford sat him down on a chair and whipped out a small projector. "I've wanted to talk to you about Diamond Brandy since yesterday. Legend has it that if he were to obtain the Eyes of Heaven, he would become the ultimate life-form and wreak havoc across the known universe & possibly beyond. This was why I've kept the mask hidden from him as I've explained one time. If we don't stop him, it could be the end of all reality as we know it." He turned on a hologram of Brandy destroying planets, drinking the blood of numerous alien species and generally causing chaos while playing "We'll Meet Again" on a music player.

"Why are you playing that song over images of total destruction?" Dipper asked. "What, it helps calm me down! Would you prefer something like 'Fly Me to the Moon' instead?" Ford responded. "Anyway, I need you and the rest of the family to be on their guard in case he gets bored and decides to go to Earth, which might not happen given the deal we made."

Ford was wrong about what he said as Diamond Brandy finally touched down in a forest clearing. "We are here." he declared as Armageddon took his human form again. "So many brainless mortals, fresh for draining." Armageddon added. "I have a plan, I shall go undercover as a human and find our first victim." the sword explained changing his snake tail into normal human legs covered in jeans. "Excellent idea my comrade."

* * *

Back in the attic, Mabel & Haruko were sound asleep but Dipper was still awake, wondering about the Vespa woman. "Are you asleep?" he asked her. "Who are you really, what are you? Where did you come from?" Suddenly Haruko woke up and hopped on the boy's bed. "Were you just about to confess your great love for me?" she wondered. "I didn't know you were awake!" he said. "How embarrassing!"

"Why did you come back anyway?" Dipper asked Haruko. "Just to see you two again!" she replied grinning. "Your head's the only one that works Takkun." she added. "You're a liar." Dipper said before she switched to sitting on his bedside. "It's the truth." she said. "Are you just going to leave us again?" he asked. "Do you and Mabel wanna come with?" the pink haired woman offered. "You two wanna throw everything away and come with me?"

"You really mean it, why are you being so nice?" Dipper wondered. "You're still just a kid Takkun, y'know?" Haruko said. Her younger companion was brought to tears and hugged her tight. "Why did you leave without saying anything?!" he sobbed. When living in a town that was currently covered in smoke, you would forget that there was a whole other world outside, and Haruko was proof that there was still civilization outside of the small Oregon town.

* * *

"Good morning Takkun, I brought you some breakfast." Ford said to the little mechanical mutt the next morning while holding a crate of some old machinery. "Hope you're still hungry!" He dumped the technology on Takkun and it swallowed them all whole. "Yo egghead, seen the kids anywhere? I've been searchin' for them all morning." Stan called as he entered the lab. "And what are you doing with that crate of scrap metal?"

"I'm just feeding this little miscreant I found yesterday." Ford replied as it continued digging in. "Say hello to my brother Takkun." he said to Takkun who just looked at Stan before going back to eating. "Listen Ford, Waddles is just enough. I don't want another animal who rolls around in their own filth!" Stan scolded his brother. "If that even is an animal." he followed up. "I don't even know what it is but it sure loves to eat gadgets and gizmos aplenty." the polydactyl stated. "Well anyways, I've been looking for Dipper & Mabel all morning and it seems Haruko vanished too. Wherever they are, I'm starting to get worried."

Meanwhile somewhere far away from town, Haruko and the twins zoomed around on her Vespa now weighed down by luggage as they left Gravity Falls. Both of the kids were clinging on for dear life as the housemaid drove at the speed of sound. As the trio raced off, Amarao had removed the hunk of metal from the remains of the golf cart. "It's normally connected to the contact unit, but we found it like this." Kitsurubami said. "That means the core is functioning independently. I understand your whole team read the document." her boss responded. "Yes, last week in the maintenance room."

"This planet is nearly as mangled as that hunk of garbage, and it will be yet unless we handle Medical Mechanica very carefully." Amarao said squeezing a ball in his hand. "Yeah, but don't you think the Pirate King has some plan to stop it or Diamond Brandy?" his subordinate wondered. "I wouldn't count on it. He's not one of us y'know, we're not that close. Anyway, we don't even know where Atomsk disappeared to or if Brandy still has his sights set on Earth."

Meanwhile the Pines twins and Haruko had stopped at a noodle place for some lunch. "BLECH!" Haruko gagged on her ramen and started spitting it out. "I told you so, you can't get some off-brand just because it's jumbo-sized." Dipper said. "Yeah, you have to stick with the good kind like this UFO yakisoba all the way from Japan, and it smells like the 90s!" Mabel added.

"Trade!" their older companion shouted switching her noodles with Mabel's. "When you act selfish like that, bad things are bound to happen you know." the boy continued. "Oh well, guess I'll have to deal with the bad things then." Haruko replied her mouth filled with noodles. "Think of it like this, eating ramen that tastes really bad can be kind of fun too."

"That smoke is getting really annoying." Mabel complained as they examined the Medical Mechanica factory towering over there. "You're always fighting Medical Mechanica right? Is it like your job or something?" Dipper wondered to which Haruko replied with a scoff and a smirk. "They took something I really wanted from me, so I'm trying to get it back. That's the deal." she explained. "Can you do it?" Mabel asked. "As long as I have you two."

"Yeah, as long as we all stick together there's nothing that can-" Mabel exclaimed before she got distracted by a handsome white-haired man wearing nothing but jeans & a pair of sneakers and smoking a cigarette labeled "Never knows best" on it. "Buh-buh-buh-beautiful shirtless man." she moaned walking closer to the figure. "Oh boy, not again." Dipper sighed.

"Yo, what's up kid?" the man greeted Mabel as she looked lovingly into his red eyes. "Hi I'm Mabel, I'm twelve and I own a pig! Wanna get married?!" she exclaimed. "Whoa, slow down there little lady! Lemme introduce myself first." the man exclaimed tossing away his cigarette. "The name's Arnold Geddon." he introduced himself. "My name's Mabel Pines, this is my brother Dipper and our friend Haruko Haruhara!" Mabel introduced herself and the others to Arnold. "What up?" Haruko greeted, but Dipper glared at Arnold suspiciously.

"Hey, what's up with your brother there?" Arnold asked gesturing towards Dipper. "Don't mind me pal, it's just that some of Mabel's past boyfriends this summer were either jerks or a bunch of gnomes standing on top of each other. One time it was both." Dipper answered.

* * *

That night, Ford was out in the forest searching for the twins while taking Takkun for a walk. "Dipper, Mabel, are you there?" he called out. "Anyone?!" He picked up his cellphone and dialed to call his brother. "Anything Ford?" the con-artist asked. "No Stanley, not a peep." he replied. "It's already past midnight and I'm getting worried. Plus I have a stinking feeling that someone is watching me."

Unbeknownst to the six-fingered genius, he was right as a certain demon was observing him from the shadows. "That is quite an intriguing specimen if I do say so myself." he wondered watching Ford continue his search while examining Takkun, which ate a random can on the ground. "Easy there little guy, it's not breakfast yet!" Ford cried tugging on its leash. "We should head back to the shack and reassess the situation tomorrow." He walked away into the shadow of the night as a red light blinked above him.

* * *

The next day, Soos and Wendy decided to search for the kids & Haruko themselves, taking the handyman's pickup truck around town asking the other townsfolk. They looked for hours on end until they stopped at a noodle place along a highway outside of Gravity Falls.

"I don't know Wendy, maybe we should just kinda give up, you know?" Soos said glumly, which was a complete shocker coming from the friendly employee of Stan. "Whoa Soos, I never expected you to say that!" Wendy replied utterly aghast at her coworker's statement. "You're pretty much the Pines's best friend and seeing you all defeated like that is just really weird and kinda sad at the same time. C'mon, let's get some noodles. I'm starving."

Making their way to the counter, the two of them noticed a familiar looking Vespa bike near the stand. "Hey lady, are those kids with you and the fat guy?" the man at the counter asked pointing at a bench. Walking over to it, the two Mystery Shack employees found Dipper, Mabel, Haruko and another person sleeping on it. "Well whaddya know?" Soos stated proudly.

"How come you haven't called someone about this yet?" Wendy asked the noodle joint man. "Babe, when you're nineteen and you realized you've wasted your entire life like I did, you'll understand why." he replied with a rather strange analogy. "Oooookay then." the lumberjane replied nervously before picking up her cellphone to call her boss. "Hey Mr. Pines, I found Dipper & Mabel at the noodle place. How long til you get over here?" she asked him. "Gimme a bit Wendy, Ford's gone off somewhere with a big metal-eating dog thing." Stan replied.

* * *

"Heel Takkun, heel!" Ford cried pulling on the dog robot's leash as it scoured the town's local junkyard for more metal to eat, now that it was more gargantuan in size. It eventually came across a small scrap-made hovel that was home to Old Man McGucket and starting taking large bits out of it. "Hey pal, tell your dog to quit devouring mah house!" the crazy prospector shouted storming outside only to find that the creature's owner was a familiar face. "Hey is it me or do you look like someone I knew?" he asked Ford. "Fiddleford, is that you?" Stanford wondered examining his former lab partner's current form. "It's the unicorn Illuminati, they sent their agents to get me!" McGucket exclaimed running away.

"Did you hear that Dipper and Mabel went missing?" Grenda asked as she and Candy walked down the street. "Yes I have, and the others are trying to find them. Plus their crazy housemaid went off as well." Candy replied. "Did you also hear about all the disappeared vehicles? Cars, trucks, motorcycles, bikes, all gone." she followed up before they discovered Ford pulling on Takkun's leash.

"Stop this Takkun, you might as well eat the entire town!" the scientist screamed before turning to the two girls. "Hello there kids, this isn't what it looks like!" he frantically stated to them. "Hey, that's the other Mr. Pines! But what's he doing with that thing?" Grenda exclaimed while Takkun appeared behind the elder and started charging at them. "No Takkun, they're children! You can't eat those, be a good whatever-you-are!"

Takkun then started chewing on a nearby pickup truck. "Stop this right now Takkun, you've been a very bad boy! Bad!" Ford scolded the mechanical mutt. "I really hate to be the guy who owns that truck." Candy said as Takkun continued chomping on the truck.

"So who's the shirtless guy with them?" Stan asked Soos and Wendy at the bench near the noodle joint. "I have no idea Stan, maybe he's some kinda hitchhiker they became dude-friends with or another one of Mabel's crushes." the portly repairman answered. "Think we should try wakin' 'em up?" Wendy offered. "Naw, let them rest for a bit." Grunkle Stan replied leaning on the Stanleymobile and stroking the bill of his tophat.

Meanwhile somewhere across town, Amarao and Kitsurubami were driving through the forest averting their gaze away from the various oddities that reside there. "So Kitsurubami, what do you like to do when you're off the clock?" the commander asked trying to strike up a conversation with his subordinate. "Sir, I don't think now's a good time to ask that." Kitsurubami replied nervously clutching the stick shift. "Don't be so cold, we're on the same team. C'mon, tell me." he added touching her hand, only for her to snap hers back in disgust. "This is a problem!" she stated. "Well this kind of problem is nothing, trust me." he answered before they were suddenly stopped by a larger Takkun marching around searching for more things to eat while Stanford clung onto its body. "COMMANDER!"

"Geez, it's huge!" Amarao cried as they gazed at the sight before them. "Listen Takkun, you shouldn't do something like this!" Ford howled. "Takkun? You know what that is? It's the terminal core!" the D.I.I commander explained. "It's been making him feed it!" The duo jumped out of the car as Takkun crushed it under its foot.

Amarao tumbled on the ground before he bumped into a familiar figure, that being Canti. "It's him!" he exclaimed. "In a green skirt?!" Kitsurubami replied questioning the Medical Machine's outfit. "What's he doing here?" Takkun continued its rampage as it began advancing towards town. Canti turned to Takkun, its screen flickering before a pair of columns that looked like brain matter burst from the back of its head, attaching itself to Takkun. "That's it, he's a component! He's a part of the terminal core!"

The horn sounded, catching the attention of Stan, Soos, Wendy and Haruko as the latter awoke. "Hot Belgian waffles, what's going on?!" Stan cried. "Looks like something crazy bad is happening back at town dudes! Anyone got a pair of binoculars?" Soos replied. "Here, take mine. I was using them to seek out new job opportunities, but I suppose they could come in handy for you guys." the noodle salesman dejectedly sighed pulling out a pair of binoculars and handing them to Soos. Gazing through them, he spotted Ford clinging on for dear life. "Guys, I think that thing is Ford's robo-dog!" Soos shouted handing them to Stan. "I knew that Takkun was gonna be nothing but trouble! C'mon everyone, we've got a brother of mine to save!"

Clambering into the Stanleymobile, Stan and the others, along with Arnold, raced off back to Gravity Falls with Haruko and the twins following behind on her Vespa. "Sleepy time's all over! Hey, do you hear that kids?!" Haruko screamed. "What's going on?" Dipper wondered. "Hear what?" Mabel added. "IT'S THE CLIMAX!" the Vespa woman cried as they got faster.

* * *

Kitsurubami tried her hardest to shoot Takkun down but she failed to do so as it charged at her. "Get outta here!" Amarao cried pushing her out of the way, only to find himself attached to its body. "I can't get loose!" he shouted trying to wriggle free. The Pines and the others arrived at the town square where the Medical Mechanica factory towered over them. "Looks like it's heading for the giant hand!" Wendy shouted pointing at Takkun as it soared to Medical Mechanica. However, Haruko zoomed past them on the Vespa towards the factory, with Dipper and Mabel still on it. "Hey, where are you going?"

Takkun finally crashed onto the giant hand that cast a shadow over Medical Mechanica, with Ford and Amarao landing on it. "Agh, my head. Hopefully that metal plate I inserted into my head was able to keep me from having a concussion." Ford groaned getting up, and Amarao did so as well before his phone started ringing. "I-is the bomb gonna go off?!" Kitsurubami panicked on the other line. "Not yet, it's missing something. I'm not sure what." Amarao replied before he turned to Haruko and the children soaring through the air. "It's her!" he added shooting them all down.

The Vespa crash landed and the twins stood face to face with the big-browed adult holding them at gunpoint with Haruko standing behind them. "Where's your eyebrows boy? Why did you take them off?" he asked them. "You two shouldn't trust her, she only thinks about herself! She doesn't care about what happens to you or anyone! But you have family and friends, especially those old men, the fat guy and the redhead."

Mabel was a bit uneasy, but she started walking toward Amarao. "Mabel, what are you doing?!" Dipper cried as he stood there alone. "I'm sorry bro-bro, but maybe the eyebrow man is right! Haruko is pretty crazy but I don't think she's try-and-destroy-the-world crazy. But still, I don't want to be gal pals with a selfish person!" his sister explained. "Your sister is right, who would ever want to be gal pals with a sociopath?!" Amarao shouted.

Dipper said nothing as he turned heel and walked toward Haruko. "What're you doing boy?! She'll kill us all! You brat!" Amarao cried when he walked up to Haruko and she held him close. "Takkun, it's time I get what I want, but I'm gonna need your help 'kay?" she said softly before tossing the boy up into the air and slammed him with his guitar. "ALRIGHT, GET READY!" she cried much to the shock of Amarao and Mabel. "Don't do it!" the government agent begged. "LUNCHTIME!" Haruko screamed batting Dipper into Takkun's mouth and it swallowed him whole. "Agh, we're screwed!"

Takkun roared before inserting itself into the palm of the hand, creating a glowing gear symbol which began to turn. Dipper on the other hand found himself on another planet covered in irons. "This is insane, you're doing exactly what Medical Mechanica wants!" Amarao exclaimed. "They've been ironing out planets across the galaxy, smoothing out the wrinkles so you can't think! Even the Pirate King has been captured, they're using him to lure you in! It's over, IT'S ALL OVER!

"I said I don't care about that!" Haruko declared. "I'm only here for Atomsk, that's all! I don't care what happens to this planet, but I guess they'll have to start thinkin' smooth!" Meanwhile, Ford watched in shock at the sight before him. This seemingly ordinary if somewhat psychotic housemaid just fed his great-nephew to the hand and claimed she doesn't care what happens to Earth, but then suddenly he felt something even worse coming.

"Or maybe they shouldn't think at all!" a booming voice responded before a figure burst out from the sky and descended on the hand. It was none other than Diamond Brandy, now back to complete his master plan. "Hello there Stanford." he greeted the scientist.

"YOU! But I thought we agreed you would leave Earth alone!" Ford freaked out. "We did agree on that, but I only decided to destroy the planet because there were no other planets left to obliterate." Brandy explained. "And it seems I arrived just in time for the grand finale." He then snapped his fingers which surrounded Ford, Mabel, Amarao & Haruko in a red aura and brought them forth, along with Stan and Kitsurubami. "At last, the prophecy has nearly come to pass." the demon announced gesturing to each of his captives. "Shooting Star, Six-Fingered Hand, Mackerel, Guitar, Eyebrows and Pistol!"

"Wait, what's he talking about?" Mabel asked trying to escape. "A prophecy on the runes I bought from a pawnshop long ago stated eight mortals would play a part in stopping him, and we're six of those!" Ford replied. "Seems we're missing Pine Tree and Screen. Oh well, guess I'll have to choose a sacrifice without them." Diamond snidely commented setting them all down. "So which one wants to die?"

"Leave me outta this, I'm all the joy!" Mabel whimpered clinging onto Kitsurubami's leg. Everybody else backed away leaving only Stan standing. "I've kind of become a catalyst for these events by bringing Haruko into our lives, and now it's fitting that I shall end it." he solemnly stated before handing his checkerboard hat to Kitsurubami. "Hey lady, hold this. And by the way, loved the cannon. Bitches love cannons!" he stated before taking off his fez and giving it to his brother. "And Ford, remember me as I lived."

"Stan, what's going on? Why do you sound so dire?!" Ford shouted with worry as his estranged brother stepped forth with swagger, knowing this may be the day he withdraws coolly into the afterlife. "So Mackerel chooses to perish? Very well then." Diamond announced as he held out his hand. "My instrument of destruction Armageddon, I summon thee to my side!" he boldly proclaimed before Arnold Geddon appeared before him and turning to Mabel. "Wait, you're with him?" she screamed with tears in her eyes. "Sorry little girl, but I'm with the in-crowd." Arnold scoffed before switching his human legs with his snake tail and shapeshifted into his master's blade.

"Any last requests brother of Pines?" Diamond Brandy said pointing the sharp edge of the sword at the con-artist's neck. "Yeah," Stan answered with a smirk. "Look down." The Pole Person was confused at his victim's statement until the hand started turning to grip the factory. "See what I mean, she tricked you! I tried to tell you all!" Amarao cried before they all grabbed onto Ford, who was trying to hold onto the giant appendage with a magnet gun. "I gotta ask Ford, where's Dipper?!" Stan cried, obviously very worried for the boy. "It's Haruko, she fed him to Takkun, or the 'terminal core' as I've been told it's called, and she wants him to find the Pirate King!"

Stan got very angry at his brother's reveal. How could someone who's become so close to him just up and try to kill one of his relatives?! "Are you serious right now?! She and I were best buddies and now she decides to betray all of us and leave my great-nephew to die? I've got some choice words for that rosado-scalped broad!" he screamed. "At least someone believes me! I can't hold onto these coattails anymore!" Amarao screamed before they all fell down on top of the factory where they were about to meet their demise at the literal hand of the giant hand.

It grabbed hold of the factory and prepared to iron everything out before a red light began to shine. It was Canti, now colored red again and holding it up with all its might. "Here he is!" Haruko shouted in excitement before she spotted an eerie looking silhouette emerging from the screen, which turned out to be nothing but Dipper as he obliterated the hand. "That kid, he actually did it!" Amarao exclaimed in wonder. "He got the powers of the Pirate King, Atomsk!" He was indeed right as Dipper stood tall, dual-wielding the Gibson Flying-V and a new guitar while glowing with the infinite power of the infamous Pirate King.

"Whoa! Dipper is like a god now!" Mabel exclaimed while Haruko and Diamond Brandy watched in shock before gritting their teeth. "You can't do that Takkun, that power belongs to me!" Haruko growled before letting out a mighty battle cry and charging at Dipper. "No you foolish mortal, the might of Atomsk shall be mine to control!" Diamond shouted back before bolting upwards and trying to kill the Vespa woman, the resulting shockwave from their clash rocking the entire Oregon settlement and the evacuating citizens.

"Don't get in my way or you'll regret it big guy!" Haruko screamed as her Rickenbacker clashed with his Instrument of Destruction. "That's what you think Guitar, I will rip you to shreds!" Brandy howled back before he was suddenly distracted by a wayward magnet bolt from Ford. "Eat magnets monster!" the polydactyl cried before firing another at his sword, destabilizing its form and changing into Armageddon. "Master, what is going on?!" he cried before Haruko struck him in the chest with her instrument, finally killing him for good as he exploded into light. "Weapon or not, I am still superior to you!" Brandy declared as he prepared an attack. "STEEL BALL RUN!" He morphed into a sphere of pure iron and spin-dashed into her.

"Hey wait a minute, Dipper has got some weirdo cosmic power in his pocket now, shouldn't he try and kill him?" Stan inquired. "This is our chance, we can gather the outsiders and destroy all three of them!" Kitsurubami planned. "I'm not gonna go easy on you Brandy, only one can eat Atomsk's power and that's gonna be me!" Haruko cried before their battle was suddenly interrupted by Dipper, still bearing Atomsk's power, preparing to strike Brandy with both of his guitars.

"It's...so...beautiful." Those were the final words of Diamond Brand before he was completely disintegrated by a single guitar strike, erasing his body from existence. "As much I'd thank you for taking that guy out for me, I'm still pissed off at you for taking my chance at true power!" Haruko screamed preparing one last attack before Dipper stopped her and tossed her bass into the air, making her fall on the factory. "That guitar..." The pine tree boy came charging at her again, this time wielding a double-necked guitar. "She's even worse that Medical Mechanica, you're not going to get what you want from her! Fight back, take her out!"

Dipper landed at her feet as a regular human boy now with the double-necked guitar in hand and with three simple words to say.

"I love you."

Haruko was taken aback by his declaration of amour before he kissed her on the lips, to the joy of Mabel and the shock of Amarao. A pair of wings burst out from the boy's horn, creating a scarlet spectacle before forming into a giant bird. "Atomsk!" Haruko cried as gravity reversed itself all over Gravity Falls. "Yo dude, what's happening?!" Soos exclaimed as he felt himself elevate into the air. "This is just like the last time gravity reversed itself, except there's no universe-ending portal involved!" Wendy added.

"N.O.! AAAAAGH!" Amarao screamed into the heavens. It was almost as if the apocalypse has come when Atomsk's mere presence caused reality to crumble while it continued taking hold of the Medical Machine factory and absorbed the giant hand into its body before soaring off into the stars above. Gravity soon returned to normal as Medical Mechanica crashed into the ground, completely destroying it.

Haruko gazed up into the sky as everybody returned to solid ground and soon turned to Dipper. "Well looks like Atomsk escaped, all thanks to you and your sister Takkun. We couldn't pull it off." she said her farewells to her younger companion as her Vespa hovered into the air, now with the double-necked guitar in tow. "So, you two wanna come along?" Dipper only replied with silence. "You know what, forget it. You're still just a kid Takk-I mean, Dipper. Save it for next time." She pushed down her goggles and soared off into the world above.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Pines family and Amarao & Kitsurubami emerged from the rubble with a few injuries but still in one piece. "What just happened?" Stan wondered before he noticed the remains of the Medical Mechanica factory atop the hill. "I think we finally won. Diamond Brandy is dead, Medical Mechanica is done for and the galaxy is still sort of intact. Hopefully all the people killed by him came back to life." Ford replied. "Dipper, where are you?!" Mabel called out to her brother before running away. "Mabel, come back!" the grunkle called to his niece before he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Mr. Pines, I think this belongs to you." Kitsurubami stated still holding his checkerboard hat. "Meh, you can keep it babe. I think that headgear made me go nuts. And speaking of nuts, I think your boss might need some time to rethink his life." Stan responded pointing to Amarao, who was still in shock over what just happened. "Hey dude, think you dropped your eyebrows." Soos said picking up the commander's eyebrows and trying to hand them to him, but he didn't even notice. "Ah well, these do look pretty tasty though." The handyman then shoved the brows into his mouth and started chewing them. "Taste kinda like sushi!"

* * *

"DIPPER!" Mabel cried running up to her brother and hugging her. "Mabel, I'm so glad you're still alive!" Dipper weeped returning the hug. "WHERE IS SHE?!" Stan boomed looking very angry and he marched towards his niblings. "Alright kids, where's that filthy Rickenbacker-playin' traitor?! I have a few choice words and obscene hand gestures to give her!"

"I think she's gone Grunkle Stan." Dipper answered turning up to the sky before lowering his head to find her Rickenbacker just lying on the ground. "Hey, it's Haruko's guitar! Why did she leave it here?" Mabel wondered. "Maybe it was a parting gift." the boy responded before finding another 'parting gift', that being a Vespa with a note on it. "Just in case you change your mind, H. P.S. I took one of Mabel's sweaters to remember you by." he read. Dipper just smiled while walking up on a piece of rubble with bass in hand and looked up into the sky. "Ooh, that looks like a great scrapbook-ortunity!" Mabel exclaimed taking a picture.

* * *

And so, life returned to normal in Gravity Falls, Well, normal as it can get anyway. The town was under reconstruction after the rampage of Takkun, Amarao & Kitsurubami returned to Washington, Canti started wandering Oregon and word of the past events spread like wildfire. "In other news, the town is still under restoration after what happened yesterday with Preston Northwest under investigation for his involvement in Medical Mechanica's plans. There has also been citizens saying 'fooly cooly' but nobody can truly decipher what it means, whether it's just complete nonsense or some kind of sexual innuendo." the news reporter said on TV.

"I knew fooly cooly would catch on!" Stan boasted rising from his easychair. "And I plan to spread it even further! T-shirts, coffee mugs, snowglobes and much more saying 'I Survived the Oregon Fooly Cooly of 2012!' It'll be a smash hit with tourists!" he declared. "I think it's best no one knows about this Grunkle Stan." Dipper stoically said. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" Mabel chirped skipping to the front door and opening it to find Stan's sugar transporting friend looking very mad.

"Hello there lass, is your great uncle home?" he asked. "Uh Grunkle Stan, that illegal sugar guy is here." Mabel called to the old man. Walking to the front door, he immediately spotted Scott along with Jackson, Damien and Big Tiny standing behind him. "Hey Scott, you came here with my money? And why are THEY here?" Stan said to Scott. "Simple Pines, we came to give you that money!" Scott shouted punching his former associate in the face. "I want some retribution for you giving me cinnamon in that damned crate!"

"Wait, cinnamon? I didn't even notice!" Stan tried to defend himself before Big Tiny butted in. "And I also want payback for being humiliated at Booby's!" the vertically challenged mobster shouted summoning his two bodyguards to his side with a snap of his fingers. "And I need a big score to go up to top assassin status!" Damien added. Finally, there was Jackson who just smirked evilly and said "Get him."

Stan tossed a few of his smoke bombs to the ground blinding the criminals as he made a break for it and hopped on the Vespa Haruko left behind. "Crazy space scooter, don't fail me now!" he exclaimed as he flew high into the sky only to crash into the ground beside the Mystery Shack. "There he is, oar him!" Big Tiny called as his henchmen began to beat him with oars again while the other crooks watched in sadistic glee.

"Well don't just stand there kids, help me!" Stan cried as the twins and Ford rushed outside. "I wish I had something that could get rid of them all in one shot, but sadly I have none." Ford said. "Wait, I think I know what to do." Dipper said rushing inside. Upstairs, the Rickenbacker that once belonged to their former housekeeper Haruko Haruhara rested on the young detective's bed as it twanged one of its strings by itself.

* * *

Well guys, this is it. The end of the road! Thank you all for coming! Be sure to check out the author's other works and stay tuned for more stories to come! But for now, here's every major character pulling an Evangelion and congratulating you for making it this far.

Dipper: Congratulations!

Mabel: Congratulations!

Stan: Wait, what the?

Ford: Congratulations I guess.

Waddles: (oinking)

Soos: Congrats dude!

Wendy: Yeah, congrats!

Haruko: Congratulations!

Canti: (beeping)

Amarao: Congratulations!

Kitsurubami: Congratulations!

Diamond Brandy: I hate you all.

Well hopefully we won't be doing more of this. Wait, what's that Dipper?

They're making two more seasons next year Grunkle Stan.

Seriously?! Well count me out! I've already had enough weirdness in this story and that's that! Au revoir suckers!

You think he'll be back Mabel?

He might be. Anyways readers, will we do a sequel? Who knows! But until then, stay weird! Hey, we should make that a catchphrase!


End file.
